CandleLite

It’s been almost a year that I have been on my blog. Over the last year, I have found that I am using many of the social media networks, less and less. Sometimes in my life, I don’t want to be found. Other times I feel like I am doing so much and everything is happening so fast that I don’t have time to sit down and write about what is going on in my life.

I am more of a private person then most people would think. I know most of you are saying, well sure but you have put so much out on here and let people in on the worst part of your life and talked about things that most people would have just kept to themselves. In some ways it was a way to cope, to heal. I took the time today and read through the old blogs. Its amazing to see where I have been and what has been happening over the course of just a year or two.

I guess this is really another ditch in the road, and you keep moving. Sometimes I forget to take time to stop. I think its when I do, I realize that I sometimes have so much on my plate that I forget what is in front of me. My mom used to tell me that I was always getting sick or hurt because I was burning the candle from both ends. I still do that all this and guess its just who I am. I like to be busy and have things to look forward to and goals and plans. Now don’t get me wrong I do sometimes just like to have just a night alone, but those are the nights that make me realize what I have and where I am in my life.

I was told yesterday while I was working that I was very mature for a 32 year old… I told the guest that I was flattered and that I was only 25 but thank you. He apologized and I told him no need but thank you for that. He talked about I always carry myself and that I seem to have it together. In a lot of ways, I think that I am.

I can say that I live comfortably on my own. I have a great two story studio loft downtown Sacramento. It has a charm to it that I don’t think I could find anywhere else. I have a car, with a new tire, thank you blow out tire this weekend. I have two incredible dogs, Allie and Diesel. They 2 year old black labs that love me unconditionally and always there to cuddle with at night. I have a job and sometimes I consider it a blessing and curse at the same time.

Work has been a great source of stress and uncertainty. I truly do enjoy what I do but I have always had trouble balance the rest of my life with my job. I work in an industry where you never know what is going to happen. I tend to get so caught up in work that my life takes a back seat.  It’s a hard balance and I have been doing my best to keep the two in check. Sometimes, like today, I was so caught up with what I was doing out side of work that I didn’t look at the schedule enough to know that I had an early shift. I guess that was a wake up call to realize that I need to focus.

The thing that I realize is that I only have to dedicate the 8 hours to work. When I am gone, I am gone. Its about being able to let go of everything when I walk through the door and then again when I leave, I leave it at the door. I know that there are things aren’t always as black and white and there is a lot more that goes into it all, but I need to stay focused and make sure that I am doing all that I can and standing out so when an opportunity does arise, I will be able to move forward with no hesitation.

I am going to do my best this year to keep this updated and it will serve as a place to look at what I have and where I have gone. I do it enough in pictures but sometimes it’s nice to see what I was thinking and know the person I have become, through the good and the bad.

So after all of that I guess I can talk about this past weekend. I had planned on going to Disneyland to see my good friend Susie. We were going to attend the Candlelight on Main Street Disney. I had no idea what would really be in store for me. I was planning on going down on Thursday night, and going to the park with someone on Friday while Susie was at work. While that sounded like a great idea, I was driving on I-5 about hour from Sacramento, when my tire exploded. It was scary but it was just a small inconvenience in the weekend. I ended up getting a new tire and heading down and heading straight for the park. I finally got to the park around 4:30PM. I got to see the park in a whole new light. It was something special that I cannot even begin to describe. Getting to see my first Disney snowfall with great company.

Saturday was another great day at Disney. I got to spend most of the day with Susie and get a game plan for the Sunday’s Event. It was CRAZY at the park. It took forever to move even just a small amount of space due to the number of people in the park. We ended up leaving the park and meeting Matt for dinner outside the park. It was a nice change. After Dinner Matt and I ended up heading back to the park and even made time to go see the Muppets. We stopped in DCA and went to experience Electronica. It was pretty interesting and great place to people watch. We ended up heading out to the movie and it was a great end of the day.

Sunday was crazy day. Susie claimed her place on Main Street and camped it out while I got to go explore the park with Matt again. I got to meet some of Matt’s friends and it was great company. We also made our way back to feed and water Susie and let her take bathroom breaks. We kept an eye on our spots while she got to go see the parade and then after a coffee run, we got to see the Candlelight Ceremony.  As with anything Disney it was a spectacle. About 500 choir members marched down the street to a main stage to sing with a orchestra and the Christmas Story was read by Gary Sinise. (Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump.)

Matt and I on Space Mountain

Monday was just as great. I got to spend the day riding rides with Susie, or I should say breaking the rides. We got stuck on Space Mountain and then on pirates we experienced quite a bit of traffic on the water. It was great to spend the time with Susie and I am sure she was sick of hearing what a magical couple of nights I had. We ended up going to DCA to watch world of color… again attempted. The show ended up getting cancelled due to the high winds. We did get to see the holiday sequence and it started but couldn’t continue.

The hardest part was leaving Orange County on Monday night. Susie and I said our goodbyes and I met Matt at a coffee shop that was still open. We just sat there and talked about the weekend and what was in store. I am still thinking about all of it.  I don’t think that I would have been able to make it home all night with no sleep, if it wasn’t that I left sad, but still smiled for everything that happened and what could be in store.

I know that there is a lot riding on new that I should be getting in the next week or before. Until then I am going to do everything that I can do….

So until next time, which will be sooner than later….

LATER DAYS!

Living in the Darkness…

Living in the Darkness…

Everyone talks about the new hope and the joy in the New Year. It’s a time for people to make resolution and changes. The problem is that the change only lasts for a few weeks or month if we are lucky. In order to find the success it is a battle and it making it an everyday routine.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine. I was given an opportunity to interview at the new Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. I noticed it being advertised on a hospitality career website and thought it wouldn’t hurt to apply. To my surprise, I received an email asking me to fill out a survey. I did and then received an invitation to come out and interview in person. I jumped at the chance and figured I could use a break from work.

I stayed at another property close to the hotel and went in for an interview which turned out to be a group interview. After leaving the interview I was pulled aside and asked to return for a second interview. I agreed and came back the next day. I thought that I was on point and it seemed like they were very interested.
After talking to people who work in the industry in Las Vegas I thought that I had a great chance. I even took the night off and went out with some new friends and had a wonderful time. I left the following day and headed back to Sacramento. It was New Years Eve and I was going to work the graveyard shift. I was ready for a long weekend and after getting little rest in Vegas I was still running on the hope of a new opportunity.

New Years Eve turned out to be one of the most eventful nights at work. With a fight that landed one in the hospital and three more injured, it was anything but a slow night. I agreed to work both nights at night audit since we were short staffed and I figured it was my penitence for leaving and going to interview.
Since that night, I have not had a day off work. Working the graveyard shift and not seeing much of 2011. It seems that everyday I get off work and head home to an apartment that looks like a disaster area. I have no energy to do anything when I get off work. I have so much to do but yet nothing is getting accomplished.
I need to take care of myself. That includes taking care of my place and belongings. I am looking forward to seeing the sunshine. I want to go out and do something fun. I want to have a social life again. I want to have something to look forward to.

I contacted the hotel with a thank you email and hoped that it would prompt an email back with new of another interview; instead I got a stock email that said they were moving forward with other candidates. It wasn’t my time.

There is something bigger and better out there for me and I just need to focus on what I have in front of me. I have a job that is stable. While at the moment, it’s not enjoyable like it should be, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I have never let myself settle. I always push and drive to better myself and push myself. This is just one more chance to see what I am capable of. Another opportunity that is part of a larger plan and path is just awaiting me. I have found taking an optimistic view provides growth. I could lull and be upset but instead I am finding the silver lining.

Looking back on last year, it was rough. There were some great times and wonderful memories. There were a lot of highs but also a lot of lows. Most would have been looking at the New Year and cursing the old. I look at last year as a turning point. I started living life. I learned that I can do just about anything and the value of friendships.

Living alone use to scare me. I find it peaceful. While I enjoy taking trips alone and getting to explore places on my own, I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss having someone to share my adventures with. I was very fortunate to travel all over the US this year and I look forward to expanding that this year. I want to get out of the US at least once before 2012.

So I guess there is something to look forward to while living in the darkness. This year I am going to try even more new things. Live life and explore the world. Most importantly I need to take care of myself. I am going to finally get to the dentist for the first time in over a decade, start cooking more, and get to the gym. Its not because it is a new year, it’s because I am still becoming a new me. I have only scratched the surface.

And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.

Cry...

Cry…

There are many things in life that I wish I had been told when I was younger and growing up. I found a quote a long time ago and it has stuck with me since I remember reading it. Everyone strives to live a normal life. There is no normal life, just life.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t try so hard to fit in or try to be what everyone thought that I should be. Life is so much easier when you are true to yourself and follow your own drummer.

I have never been one to follow trends when it comes to living life. Yes there are some trends that I did hop on the bandwagon. I had a Virtual Pet Key chain. I remember having my mom help me keep it alive and having so many that it was always going off at all hours of the night. I also had a Furby or two… Still do in my room back in Indiana. I also collected Beanie Babies. I would go places and hunt out the new one or try to find an older one or one that was irregular. Never sold a single one so now I have them in a storage unit at home. So yeah there are times where I jumped on the bandwagon and joining in on the trends.

One thing I was always told though was to be myself. I thought of myself as someone very unique and special. No one was like me and I was ok with that. The problem was that it took me a long time to discover what it meant to be myself. I hid the bad parts of my life. Buried feelings and emotions to people and lived a double life. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to live one life. An honest and forthcoming one. One that I would be proud to talk about.

I know that people have been a little worried by my status and I have been a very distant to a lot of people. I know that I fell off the face of the world for a few days but I just needed to shut down. I am sorry for the plans that I broke and standing up the people that care about me and who I value. I am sorry and hope that you can understand that I wasn’t ready to explain why I needed a break and couldn’t justify just saying I’m sorry I need to be alone.

I have been down and slightly depressed. I had a great time over Halloween and worked some crazy hours had a blast out at the bar but something just didn’t feel right. If you have ever just felt numb you know what I am talking about. I went to work the next day and felt out of place. Almost like I was just on autopilot. Some of the co-workers who know me the best could see that I wasn’t who I normally was. It was strange. My body was sore and I felt like I was still in a daze. I chalked it up to a wild night, and if I got some rest I would feel fine.

Unfortunately even with hours and hours of sleep I woke the following day to the same feelings. I felt gross and felt like something was off. I had been fighting a cold but it wasn’t that I was sick. It was a strange sensation that I don’t know how to describe other than it wasn’t me.

I took SAM out and drove and let my mind take a mental break. I know it sounds dangerous but I assure you that I was driving defensively but find that it helps clear my head and allows me to just get back to a healthy place.

Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. I would of picked up the phone called him and wished him a happy birthday and we would of talked about the weather how it was getting cold back in Indiana. He’d tell me about the trips he would take on the bus to Chicago. Maybe even that he had seen a show and critique it. That would of happened today but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I saw something tonight that I haven’t seen in years. I was driving and saw a shooting star, not just one out of the corner of my eye but one that seemed to last longer than normal. I watched it change from the yellow to the green and the tail drag across the sky. Just like a little kid I thought that I was lucky and I wanted to make a wish. Normally I would think of something that I wanted for myself or something good to happen. Not tonight. The only thing I said was this one is for you dad.  I hope you found some happiness where you are. I started to tear up while driving and shortly after my iPod played “On Eagles Wings.”  My dad’s favorite hymn. It just seemed fitting and I found myself singing and letting the tears roll down my face.

Sometime you need to cry. You don’t have to be strong and hide emotions. It made me find peace and a way to take just a few moments to reflect back on the good times. The things that matter to me and the fact that I am growing up and want to be a good person. I know that I still have my flaws and have a lot of work left to better myself. But tonight some how I felt like that my dad was there with me and just gave me a reminder that there is always someone looking after me. I know he is proud of the person that I am. It’s time for me to feel the same way.

Life is never easy. There is no normal life. There is unexpected ditches in the road and yes you keep moving on. You make mistakes and you stumble and fall. Even when you think you have it all together, there is always something waiting. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not. I don’t know what life has in store for me or where the paths are going to lead.

So to those who are asking if I am ok? Yes. I am going to fine and I just had a rough time in the road where I needed to step away from the world around me and find some inter-peace. I needed a moment disconnected from everything. Those I have hurt or the ones that I left in the dark again, I am sorry and know that I am still learning to tell others that I need time for myself. 

I know it’s not always easy to be my friend, to stand by me when I make mistakes. I am not the best at making plans, getting off work on time, getting out of the house quickly, and I am sure the list goes on and on. While I have my flaws, I learned something about myself. I am a good person. I have a lot to offer. I know that I value people that come into my life. Sometimes I don’t always tell people enough or seems that I don’t show that I care but I do. So again, I am sorry for being distant but know that I value your presence in my life.

I want to end my blog on a positive note though. I am making goals for myself for 2011. Everyone waits until last minute to set huge goals but I want to start now. Start small and move forward.

Benjamin’s 2011 Goals

• Hike more often. Once a month go hiking or camping or backpacking. Before the end of the 2011 year, return to Grand Canyon for a Rim-to-Rim hike.
• Go Skydiving.
• Enroll in School full time to finish my degree.
• White water rafting with friends and camp in the woods.
• Perform. Sing something for others and/or join a play.
• Start playing soccer again and get my referring license renewed.
• Get to the gym and begin a workout schedule 3 times a week at least.
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter.
• Make it back to Indiana for 45^th Anniversary Show.
• Take more pictures. Find beauty in common places and hidden in everyday life.
• Continue to be a good person. Love life and Enjoy! 

Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…   

This is the beginning...

So this will be a short blog since i am sitting at the Sacramento Airport just waiting for the plane to start to board. It seems almost unreal that I am going to be leaving here for over a weak and making the trip back to Sacramento through all of those places and seen so much.  When asked if I am scared, I would say yes. This is a big deal for me and for moving forward. I am going to be doing something alone and for myself. Stopping when I want to stop and doing what I want to do and see. Its scary but also exciting. Its almost like an adrenaline rush that makes me want to do it even more.

So this begins the journey and the adventure. One flight out of three. I have a couple of longer layovers that will sure to invoke a blog or a short Facebook posting. I hope that I will be able to sleep on this plane ride since i was up all night getting ready and just the nerves and the excitement. So I'll be back in Indiana soon....

Until then,

LATER DAYS!
 

Close My Eyes

Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and make everything go away. Today at work, I find my mind wondering. Thoughts and ideas going through my mind like a flash of a camera flashbulb. Last week I was with a good friend at dinner and I sat there and just looked up from the food and for the first time I spoke, “I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.” It’s strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I have been so co-dependant for years that I never have had the freedoms or the ability to responsible for myself. This has been such an adventure that I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to find yourself almost 25 years later. I find that when I come home at night after work. I grab my mail and sit on the table and look out the window and just decompress from the day. It was hard at first to not have someone to talk to when I get home but as time goes by, I find myself not missing things that I once had.




I have some great people that are around me and I am very fortunate to find those people. I find myself getting reminded that I still have a lot of work ahead of me and lots of learning and healing to do. Different times and in different state of mind, things would be much different, though I am happy where I am at the moment. It’s living in that moment that scares me sometimes. It’s when you think about the future and try to anticipate the next move. That unfortunately is never the case. It will always change and all I can do it gather up the tools and the resources to carry with me. I am always reminded to tread the waters carefully and keep a mindful eye on the heart on my sleeve. Someday when the timing is right and when I am ready, love will happen. It’s not something to be forced or to be rushed.



One Step at the time.
There is a reward at the top full of beauty.
Just one more step and one foot infront of the other.



I have been going out for the last few weekends and it’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to be alone in a bar. I sometime find myself just finding a place and staying put for a few minutes to process everything around me. I am finding it easier to take the first step and just saying hello to people. It’s getting over that first step to find out so much about people. When I am out with friends, it’s so much easier to get introduced then to walk up to someone and introduce myself. It’s slow but happening more and more. I have to admit that I always run into at least someone I know.



While it’s nice to have that, I also have had to deal with the past when I am out. I had someone come up to me this weekend and told me that they recognized me and that we had talked in the past. He then said yeah you had a boyfriend and some friends said that you were cheating. I just looked at him and said I was single and that’s not the real person I am, and if you want to get to know me for more than that, I’m always up for a chat and grabbed my water and told him to keep that in mind and he just smiled and I walked away.



I know that I am going to run into that from time to time, but it’s taking a different approach and taking a higher road and something more respectable. I know that there are many people who will always see me in a negative light and that is unfortunate for them. I have a lot to offer and continue to try to better myself everyday. I have my faults but I also know that its time for me to show people who I am and what I really capable of everyday.



So on a lighter note, well somewhat lighter. The trip begins in only 10 more days. For the next week and half, I am going to be hitting the gym everyday to try to get buff and also to help clear my mind. I find that I am able to just zone out the world around me when I am running. I am going to really focus on the weight lifting and the chest, arms, and back these next two weeks. It’s so foreign to me but I have been doing my homework and getting some great workout tips from men’s health and through some friends.

There is beauty in the crash of a waves.
Each one is different and never the same.
Always coming back for more the ocean never stops.

Going to the gym when there is no one pushing you or having anyone to go with is very hard. There is so much strength in numbers and learning that through this. It’s always to blend into the crowd but its more rewarding leading the crowd and doing it for yourself. I use to be so scared to be getting the small weights at the gym to start my sets’ but I figure that it’s a process. You can’t just jump into the large weights unless you want to get hurt. I guess it’s very symbolic of relationships for me. While I know that I can go and lift the 100lbs, there is no reason to do that and get hurt and have to go back to lower weight. I keep my eye on the goal of being able to bench it but know there is no reason to fear it until I am ready to get to the 20lbs then 25lbs. It’s a process… and taking it everyday and each rep as a challenge to push myself and know that someday I can look back and see where I have been.



I am slightly nervous about everything when I get home. It seems like every time when I am in Indiana, it starts to feel like less and less of home. Things become distant memories and each time I find myself thinking that I am growing away from the place. It has a place in my heart but no longer my home. It’s just a place of memories. I know that this will be very short time spent actually in Indiana. I am looking at just two days before heading out on this trip that will sure to have so many memories and eventful times.



I am hoping to video blog about it and have some pretty amazing pictures to share with everyone on the trip. This is a new beginning and something that will test myself and an opportunity to be comfortable with me. Just me, my iPhone, iPod, and SAM. SAM is the name of the car in honor of my dad. Steven Anthony Mangona. This is a road trip to find peace in it all and the closure I need to move forward.



This may be the most documented trip of my life. I have my video camera, two digital cameras, my iPhone, and my Computer. I plan on using it all when I am traveling. One thing that I also am doing when I am home is posing for a friend. I have not had my picture taken professionally since I was senior in high school. I was hoping to me in much better shape then what I am in at the moment but still am down a lot of weight since before the breakup. I hope this week to just get a little more of the way to where I want to me. I am excited and scared but know they are going to turn out amazing; it will be good to be comfortable again with me. This trip is about bettering Benjamin. That’s the goal. Getting back to Sacramento and know who I am, and feel good about the person I am. I am already on the path just an always ongoing forward moving trail.



So there is a lot on my mind. I got so many fears but know that it will be calmed when I am on the plane heading home and finding that inner-peace on the interstate.



Next Adventure after the road trip… Skydiving. More to come later. One adventure at a time….

...see the new day dawn

Happy Labor Day,




I guess with the little bit of downtime, I wanted to get a blog out and just take an inventory of where I am. It’s been a few months and things have calmed down to a certain extent. As far as work, things have been going pretty good. We are in the process of hiring new staff. This month we will be adding about 5 new staff members and it will be nice to get some fresh blood in the hotel and maybe shake up a few things. We are heading on company outing this week to explore the underground Old Sacramento. It will be nice change to get everyone away from the hotel for just a few hours.



My apartment is slowly coming together. I have had some great people that have helped me gather things and items for the apartment. I have a couch and a love seat and just acquired a new bar table and chairs. It’s actually very nice to sit and eat breakfast or dinner and look out over the street and people watch. I haven’t hung anything up on the walls but my goal is to use pictures from the road trip to decorate my apartment. I do want to get a new bed soon as well. I refer to my bed as a racecar bed because it does have wheels on it because it’s a rollaway. I am hoping to get a few big items for my self after thanksgiving. I want to conquer black Friday.



I have been hit and miss on working out. I had a few of really good weeks where I was making it to the gym about 4-5 times a week. I have been a little spottier with work and the holiday and having some issues with my foot from my bike. I was talking to a good friend and decided that I need to get to road running and attempt a mini marathon. I was looking online and found a few 5Ks and 10Ks that would help train me for a half. It would be a lot of hard work but I think that it would help clear my head and get me back into the swing of things. This week I need to step it up and going to hit it hard, within reason of course, but get a few really good workouts before heading home.



Mentally, I am doing actually really well. I have had some really mentally straining events over the last week, but I think that I am handling it well. I got some great people in my life right now. It’s scary when I go out and hope that I will run into people that I know and that I will have a good time. It’s the biggest challenge for me to just go out and talk to new people. It’s a hurdle I am trying to still get over. As outgoing and friendly person as I am most of the time. I get into situations and it’s hard for me to get the courage to talk to new people. It’s a work in progress but something that with time will get much easier. Take a challenge and face it and make a goal. I try to at least talk to one new person every time I go out. And more than just a “hey, how are you,” but a real conversation.



Dating and Relationships… This one is a tricky one. I know that I am trying to make sure that take things slow and just enjoy the moments. I don’t want to rush into something but I am really enjoying getting to know people and find myself smiling a lot more lately. Just living each day and taking it day by day. As far as other relationships, I am glad to have some great friendships with people close and far from me. I found that I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and made some of those old ties even stronger. Its nice to have people who have known me for years but distance makes it hard, but also nice to get a hug when you really need it from new friends that I hope to keep with me for a very long time.



I guess this would be the same area to talk about family. I haven’t been in touch as much as I was in the past with my family. I know that I should pick up the phone and call more often, but I do check-in from time to time. This whole estate has been a lot of stress on my family. I know that I haven’t really been there to help out, but know that there isn’t much that I can do and the less hands in the cookie jar the easier it will be. For me I was hoping to come home in October and it all been done and then we can move on from there. It doesn’t look like that will happen but I just want to have that burden lifted off my shoulders and shoulders of the family. It made me realize how important having a Will and keeping it updated. The moment I buy a house and have property I would get one in place incase of the unforeseen to make sure that I looked out for the people around me.



So I am much stronger person for everything that happened. I have closed the door on a lot of loose ends and continue to do so everyday. One battle and one demon at a time until the clutter is removed. This month I will be getting my medical and dental arranged and know that there is some work to be done. It won’t be a fun road and going to the dentist after over 10 years, I am not looking forward to the outcome, but I know it’s needed and who knows, maybe ill get some laughing gas out of the situation.



Fears left at the door, regretting none, I move forward. More humble and sometimes shaky I know that I am moving onward. It’s been an adventure and more is still yet to be written. I look forward to what life has to offer and seeing things in a new light.



“And when the night has finally gone.

And when we see the new day dawn.

We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.

The wasted world we thought we knew,

The light will make it look brand new.



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