“I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get/But I’m better than I used to be…There’s a diamond under all this dust”
The New Year is a time for resolutions and for new beginnings. I look at myself in the mirror and I like the person that I see, I know there is still a lot more of learning and growing left. One of the most uncomfortable things for me, is to just look into a mirror and think. It’s amazing how you can be your own worst enemy. I see my flaws, my imperfections, how I have scares on my face, my hairline receding, the acne from time to time, and then I remember all of this makes me, me.
I would be lying if I said I am completely comfortable in my own skin. I know there is a lot of work left to do. I have never really had to worry about weight, or counting calories. All of my life I have been active. It’s only been in the last few years that I find that I have been less active. I know I have a gym membership and that I can go at any time. Sometimes I just feel like I wish I had the push to get up and go to the gym.
One thing I realized a while back was that working in my industry; I will never have a “normal” schedule of 9-5. The higher in the industry the closer I will get to have more freedoms. I also realized how much I invest in my job and evaluated what I get in return. Currently I look at my roles and responsibilities. I am still trying to finding the balance between outside life and work life. I have to have a separation and more of what defines me then my job. It is my career and a big part of me, but I can’t have it dictating my life. I have given up a lot of things and sacrificed and at what cost I ask myself.
One thing that I have let suffer is my health. I have been so exhausted when I get home from work, I just want to sleep. I find myself sleeping for more than 8 hours and have no energy or excitement to get up in the morning. I go into auto-pilot and it find that I sleep away my day and rush to even get to work because I have no motivation or desire to leave my apartment.
I thought that things were going to change and I got a glimmer of something more on New Year’s Day. I had no idea what to expect and was taken by surprise in so many ways when someone took me to places that left me speechless. There was something that ignited something inside me that night. I felt amazing. It was as if this was how the year was supposed to go and things that could be in store. Unfortunately as of late things have went back to what they were before. It was a momentary bliss. I guess that maybe that sometimes you need the glimpses of what could be in order to appreciate what you have and what is out there to motivate you.
So here we are, 4 days into 2012. It’s had its ups and it has had its down. I am not sure what it has in store for me. I am not sure what life has in store for me either. I do know one thing. I am going to start to really focus on myself and my health. I agreed to work out with someone this evening and want to push myself. I want to feel better, I want more energy, I want to look at my body and be proud of where I have gone and where I am going.
So in the meantime while I am working on my body, I am going to see where fate has in store for me. Throwing it out there and seeing what happens… Here’s hoping for something. It’s a time for a change and new adventure… Here’s to 2012
