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| Taken from the Farm back in Indiana |
Over the past year two years life has been anything but easy. I would say it was more of an adventure not a challenge. I am no hero; I am no star maybe just the lead in my own storybook. Sometimes it’s hard to think that there is a happy ending out there, but I know there is so much left unwritten. I tend to blog when my emotions are running high. It’s a way to release feelings, hopes, dreams, and even fear. I look back on where life has taken me and realize that there is so much more.
For those who know me, and follow my life you know the story. You have seen it unfold before your eyes. For the new ones there are plots and storylines I sometimes like to leave hidden. I made myself a promise to stop living in the shadows, behind the facades and live my life. I tend to find myself smiling a lot more. It’s not about always being happy. It sometimes is a smile for hope. I cry sometimes when I am alone. I hurt and have a wide range of emotions. It’s never about the tears because from them a smile always emerges. I miss things, I miss people, I miss moments, but relive memories. There have been good and bad but they are all apart of what makes me who I am today.
Life has a way of catching me off guard. It’s in those moments I am reminded of the hard times and then the moments that bring tears of joy. When I am on my road trips wither it is across the country or down to Orange County, I always seem to have a moment that I am reminded of my Dad. It’s when we talk. I turn of the radio and just tell him things as if he was my co-captain in the car. I tell him about life and how proud of me he would be if he knew what I was doing. I guess losing him made me get even closer to him. I have never talked about my feelings about the loss to many but it still does hurt. There is still a sting when I hear a song on the iPod that reminds me of him. I guess in a way its how I found the inter-peace and the connection that we never had when he was alive.
Our relationship was anything but perfect. It was dysfunctional at best. It definitely had its ups and downs. I sometimes took it for granted. It wasn’t until I returned from Hawaii that I began to understand that we had been so stubborn and strong that we just pushed each other away for so long. It was in that short time after that we made the most of the time together and began to build something more that just a relationship of blood. While it was cut short, it will never be forgotten. Its will live on through moments and memories. In my photos of the farm, in songs, and in snips and pieces that come and go with time, I find I am reminded of him more than ever sometimes. I did love him and know that he loved me as much in return. It was never spoken but we had a language and relationships that was ours.
Life has changed. I have changed as a person. I take the opportunities to live my life and to make the best of situations. I think of what may be ahead for me in the near future and it scares me. It’s exciting and scary all at once. A chapter is closing and new one is about to be written. I think of what I will leave behind and what is in store for me. It a new adventure and sure it won’t be easy. The best adventures aren’t the easiest rather the ones that test us and challenge us everyday.
I have two great dogs that I love and who love me unconditionally. They are there on nights like tonight when I need someone to hold and who are there to remind me to not sweat the small things. They are basic but with hearts as big as the messes they sometimes create. I have an apartment that is unique and filled with character. I guess there is something to be said when a building that once was left abandoned has found a new life. It really helped spark a new life and spirit in me. I have new people in my life and olds ones alike. Each person has left an imprint on my life in some way. I can never express the gratitude for my friends and family. Through the good and the bad they are always there beside me. For that I am thankful.
So this is life. It’s a chapter that is about to come to a close and another to be written. I cannot say I know what lies ahead but I know that with the people in my life, I am going to be ok. Not just ok but I am going to conquer the hurdle and the speed bumps ahead of me. While a tear or two was shed writing this, I am reminded of the memories, the magical ones, the distant ones, and the recent ones that all make me smile.
Here’s to the new adventures and the people I will meet along the way… I’m ready!
