Defying Gravity

Defying Gravity

It’s been some time since I have posted on my blog. I have been doing pretty well as of lately. I know that it’s only been a few short months but life has really begun to settle down. I have been having some wonderful adventures at work and outside work as well.

I have to say that this weekend was a blast and stressful all at once. I came into work after being out all night on Friday. I got off work on Friday and took a quick nap and headed out with some friends. I joined them for some great people watching that included some interesting dance moves that were… well we will just say it was interesting, the added some fuel to the body with a great bite to eat nearby. I ended up deciding that I was going to go back out even though they were leaving for the night. I am really glad that I did. I was afraid that I was going to be all alone at the bar and just drinking my water and not knowing anyone. It wasn’t that way at all. I ran into so great people and we spent the entire night dancing, mostly on the platforms, bringing all the straight girls to dance with us and making people have a good time. It was nice to smile like that. It was also great to just let loose and have a good time. The best part was that all night I never even had to drink. It was just water all night. So it was wonderful night with some new friends and a great time.

So after feeling great on Friday, I got into work and seemed to have lost my voice. It was pretty great all of the staff were calling it my sexy voice because it was so raspy. It took a few hours but I got it back. During this time at desk I had two interesting check ins for the day. One was Reptile Man and other was a little person both from Ripley’s. When the guy told us who they would be, it just like it was Bob Smith or John Doe. Its amazing that after all these years in the hotel, you just don’t get surprised by anything.

So the two of them just added to the day. After the second shift came in I ended up helping out the Pub Crawl Mini Golf event outside the hotel. I agreed that I would go out for a few hours until it was over. It was 3PM on Saturday and watching people try to putt while they were already drunk was a blast. Had a great time and it was awesome. So we began to tear down and when our bar supervisor deeply cut his hand. I didn’t notice until he told the engineer that he needed to go to the hospital. I just saw how deep it was and agreed. So they called in some other people to cover the shifts while we worked on getting him bandaged up and sent him on the way to the hospital. I called the GM and made sure we were following the procedures and let her know what was going on.  So we had just one staff in the bar and lounge so I became a server for a few hours. It was actually kind of fun and I enjoyed it but only stayed long enough for the rest of the staff to return.

I had to wait at work to make sure that we got all the paper work for the incident and when he got back he said he had gotten 16 stitches and cut all the way through his hand. It was a clean cut and he would be fine in about 10 days. So I filled out the forms and got the engineer to call it in. I made it home around 9:00pm and was planning on going out… I got a call and instead decided I wanted to just crawl in bed and talk. And so that is what I did.

I love that everyday at my hotel something new and exciting happens. Usually it’s a few things over time not all at once but it made for a great story and fun times. So bar supervisor is ok, and the hotel was fine. It was just another day in the life at the hotel.

Today was just boring compared to that but I did have a great night. Playing with Pandora and watching some video and even had a Hawaiian moment listening to some of Lilo and Stitch.  Also watched a few Wicked video and songs and made me feel so good to hear it all and think about performing and that rush you get when you are on stage.

So I guess now is the time to defy gravity. Everything so far seemed to want to pull me down and make me that someone else was controlling me. Everyone does deserve a chance to fly. This is my chance and I am going to make the best out of it. So September is going to be the month that I kick it up. One month until I am heading home and begin the road trip. I am going be doing gym harder this month and making sure that I am striving to make healthier choices in food and for myself. It’s been an adventure but this is only the beginning for me. I am going to Defy Gravity!!!

Not Quite Defying Gravity... The Jet Turbine Under Me Helped.
Goal: Go Skydiving with in the next 12 months! 

Day by day...

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it.  But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.  ~John Newton

It’s been a short break between the blogs due to some crazy work schedule and getting things around and getting settled.  I went with a good friend of mine to go and get things at Wal-Mart to finish the set up of the apartment. I made a few big purchases while I was there. I bought a new vacuum that I assembled myself… I’m handy what can I say? I also bought a new bike. It was on sale and its pretty and red. I now can move about more freely and get to more places. It’s a big deal to the Sacramento Area to have a bike. Being so bike friendly, I am now able to go all the way through midtown and opens so many more doors for me while I wait to get the car in October.

Which brings me to my next topic. October. I am going to be making a long distance road trip from Kendallville, IN to Sacramento, CA.  I could have just made a straight shot and it would only take two days, but… I want this to be about an adventure and excitement on the way. I want to see places that so many people have always talked about. I already booked my plane ticket home and will be flying into FWA at 9:30PM September 30^th. I plan on spending Friday filling out paperwork and getting things done to finalize the trip and see my family and make it down to Indy as well.  Saturday, I will be attending the Apple Fest and experience the nostalgia of Apple Fest. It will be nice break from life to set back to one of my happiest moments growing up, and well as anyone who attends can tell you, the food is pretty awesome as well.

Sunday morning I am going to begin my journey West… The first Stop is more symbolic of the journey ahead and always something that I wanted to do. So I will be driving south to the St. Louis Archway… “The Gateway to the West.” After a tour and riding up to the top and taking some picture and even a video on the way if I am feeling ambitious, I will depart St. Louis and head to Omaha, NE to spend the night. This is the longest part of my journey and also the latest expected arrival to the hotel that I have selected. I am going to play tourist this entire trip. I was always afraid to really be a tourist in Hawaii, so this is my chance and I will ham it up!

The next morning I will be leaving Omaha to head to Mt. Rushmore. It will be a short picture stop and look at the mountain and continuing my journey to Billings, MT. I will spend the night there and depart the following day to get to Old Faithful and Yellowstone National Park. I want to walk around and take picture and see some wildlife and roaming animals before departing for Salt Lake City that night. That will be the third stop on my Trip. I am hoping to see the Olympic Park and maybe see some local sites before calling it a night.

I will depart for Mesa Verde that morning and plan on doing a few stops and looking at the buildings and taking a driving tour through the park and short 30 minute hike. I have looked over all the places that I am going and have allotted a certain time for myself and always over estimating the times to make sure that I stay on schedule. Its like I am taking an appetizer sampler approach to the trip. All of theses places to just get a taste and if I like one I would revisit them again.

From Mesa Verde, I am planning on crossing through 4 Corners and of course going to take a picture of myself in 4 States at once... then head to the Grand Canyon. I am staying the night just out side of the Grand Canyon so that in the morning I can make it there early. I also have been getting some advice to go to Sonoma so I might have to do that before I leave and head for the Hoover Dam, and Las Vegas. I have plenty of time built into this day to give me the flexibility to see other things as well. After I decide its off to Vegas for the night…

 I am excited to see the lights and the fountains and soak up Las Vegas. I am not sure where I will be going or what to do, but I think I might go see a show or just walk around and take pictures and see this place. I have a feeling that with the shinny lights and the noises, I will be in sensory overload. That being said I am going to allow myself $40 to gamble and when it’s gone, it’s gone. A few slots and then its off to bed for this one.

When I leave Vegas, I have a few options… I can do a long trip and go from San Diego and north, or I can see the Hollywood Sign, though the traffic does not really sound appealing, I might just make a straight line home. The options are all open and I will play the last day by ear.

So besides the Road trip planning and getting the apartment setup, things are going pretty well. Work is well work and that has been stable. I have made a lot of great friends with my co-workers and well as it provided me an outlet and something to focus on. I am doing pretty well mentally; I am now at point where it’s more of a monthly session. It’s still always great to have the option and to use it as just a check in to keep things going. I would lie if I said I don’t get a moment or two of heartache but it’s that pushing and driving force in me. It burns but it lights the fire to do great things.

Last night was a great night as well. I was tired and could have easily just gone to sleep instead of going out, but it was great. I got to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen I in couple of weeks and it was nice to people watch and dance and have a good time. It was nice too when I was walking home, people were still out and having a good time and I got invited to a party and then had some crazy conversations with people. It was a wonderful feeling and I remember thinking in my head… I like Sacramento. I enjoy this and how great some people here can be. Yeah there will be the times when paths are crossed but I already know that I can be mature and it won’t faze me. So I guess… welcome home to Sacramento. 

The End...

So this is where it stops…

Tonight is a new beginning of healing. It’s when I realize that I have to let go. Where I have to move forward. That there is not more re-living the moments of what was and when you begin to try to heal.

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”  ~Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending; I wanted at least something more than silence. But it truly isn’t about what we want. Who would have thought that life would hand me this moment and this opportunity. I need to move forward. In some ways, I was holding on for some slight chance of hope. Waiting for the opportunity to receive forgiveness. I can’t wait anymore.

Today, I decided before speaking with him. I am going to stay in Sacramento. Did this change how I feel? No… I am not going to run. It’s too easy to say I don’t want to be reminded of him and to run away from it and start all over. I am done with the running and done with the hiding. I am going to face this and finish and stay where I am.

The location doesn’t determine the outcome. I can’t go to a place and find happiness. Its what you find inside yourself. It’s what happens when you are comfortable with who you are. Am I at this point? Not really. Do I feel lost right now? Yes. I am hurting now and it’s pushing me to my limits. All the hard work I have done so far is not going to be wasted.

It would be so easy to break down and to walk away defeated. I am not going to walk away. I have opportunities here. I have a job that I enjoy greatly and have people who depend on me for guidance and for leadership. I leave the baggage at the door. It’s my stage. I perform everyday and get to make others happy. I need to stay put for once. Prove that while it hurts and that making a break would be easier its shows more character to stay.

I will cross paths with him again because it is inevitable. It will happen when I least expect it and when my guard is down. I know it will hurt and that the pain is that reminder that I should be push myself to do better. A reminder that I am accountable for the actions, wither they be just cyber conversation, or face-to-face actions. It all matters.

So tonight… Its over, it’s done. I fought as best as I could. Am I a loser? Not at all. I have gained more than I ever realized before. I have needed a change in my life; it just took a ditch that stopped me in my tracks to set that change in motion.

So this is another ditch in the road, but you keep moving on… I will continue to blog about the feelings. The emotions. The ups and the downs… Life is a journey and welcome to mine… I welcome the passengers and people to watch. I no longer have anything to hide. This is Benjamin Alan Mangona; 24-year-old white male, brown hair (that’s remaining), brown eyes, 5’6 and proud 146lbs; Exposed for you to see…life is just beginning.

So no tears will be wept, no need to cry over the loss of something that was gone so long ago. I am going to sleep tonight and wake up and start a new life. I have a counseling session in the morning followed by working middle of the day. A trip to the gym will follow and who knows what lies ahead.

We move forward with no idea of what is going to happen next. Life is unexpected. I look at it now as a blank slate. I have so many tools at my fingertips. I have goals and ambitions. I have sacrificed so much of myself for others, that now… I am in control.

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.  The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.”  ~Voltaire 

Are you worthy?

Are you worthy?

That was the sign that was on the church when I walked pass today on my way home from work. Work was pretty tough today and constantly busy and lots of issues but it was at the same time fun. If gave up every time that I had an issue or a tough time, I wouldn’t still be doing what I do. Everyday is new and exciting challenge. I do it because I know that yes, I am worthy. I am good at what I do and it was nice today to have people who wanted to hug me and take my picture with them. They thanked me and told me that they would miss seeing me everyday and that they were blown away by our hospitality at the hotel.

Leaving my mark on top of the world.... 

Worth. (Noun) The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable. I am worth more than what most people give me credit. I have put others before myself for way to long. I let people tell me that I wasn’t worth anything. I let them treat me like I was useless and degrade me and treat me as if I had no value. I was at that point before, I let people and wanted people to tell me I was worthless because I had the desire to make it come true. Not anymore. Not ever again…

I felt worthless after the breakup; I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that it was me. I wanted to fight and wanted to try to make it work because I valued what was there in front of me. I wanted to make a change. I did, and I have changed. I am proud of the new person that I have become. I am glad it happened in some ways. I know that someday that when there is someone who wants to love me and truly understands my worth that will be when it will be forever.

Do I still love him? Yes of course I do. Would I be willing to sit down and talk? Anytime. I am facing the problem head on and working to be something better. I am not hiding and making excuses for the actions. I did something that I am not proud of and I realized that it was wrong. I am sorry everyday for causing the pain and the hurt that I did. I know many people think that I deserve it everyday. Many have even made it a point to express that to me. The pain hurts for the moment but at least I am dealing with pain. I am taking it full on. No need to sugar coat it or hide it with a smile. I am not going to look back and say I wish I had done something different. There is no use to looking back anymore. I am here, and this is who I am. I am no longer worthless.

Looking up and realizing there is so far to go.
 Life is full of twists and turns but what lies at the top is worth the journey.  

Worth: (n) Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit. My actions in the past were not ones that showed worth. I was disrespectful to myself and disrespectful to my partner for the actions and the conversations that I had. I understand that I have lost my merit. Words mean nothing when there is not worth or respect. I cannot change that part but I can change the person I am. I have showed my worth and continue to do so. I will not hold a grudge or take an opportunity to make a witty or low blow. I am not that person. I hold him to a higher worth. I respect him and his decision. I love him and care for him deeply and it’s hard to not want to be there when you know he is hurting. I know there is nothing that I can do or say and that is something very hard for me, because I do care about others more than myself.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror when I get up and tell myself that it will be ok. I walk through an empty apartment and think how life could be if he was here with me. Living the life that we planned. The constant reminders of him are everywhere. I pass the street where we met and where I surprised him on opening night. I walk the same path that we walked the first time I came wearing his college sweater. Those were happier moments…moments of pure bliss. Though now they carry a hint of doubt for him. How can I have had the secret life and still be I love with someone. I can speak from my heart and say all of those moments were real, the happiness, the joy. It was real and we had more happy times then anything else. We never really ever got into a fight. It was love. It’s gone now though and the memories are tainted for him. For me and in my heart I know they are still something that makes me smile. I know I never questioned my love for him. Every moment was real emotions of joy and happiness.

Danger lies ahead. Use the lessons and be prepared for life.

So now the story continues. I stand in that mirror and say that I am a good person. I made a few mistakes. It’s a scar that you carry on your heart. I have plenty of them all over my body anyway so what’s a few more to the heart. I never will forget the memories. I don’t plan on deleting the photos or making it all go away. There is not closure from it all when you hide it or burn it or push it away. It will always come back to you. I am a better person because of everything that happened. I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a house with kids and garden and flowers and a husband who loves me unconditionally. Someday that will be a reality… because I am worthy. I am worthy of happiness and love… It’s time to realize my worth. 

Flashbacks and Looking to the Future

So as of lately, I have been listening to Next to Normal Soundtrack when I am walking to and from work and when I need a little break from life. It’s a wonderful story and if you are not familiar with it, I would strongly recommend looking it up on youtube or google it.

I had a couple of people ask me about the photo that I choose for profiles. I can remember that day clear as day. It was when my partner was visiting me for about 3 weeks for Christmas and New Years Eve. We would joke about how it was a trail run on life. He would stay with me and I was still working but it would be a glance at what life would be like if we lived together. I had talked to a good friend and ended up getting us a free ticket to go on the whale watching tour. He said he had never been on a boat before so I was happy to get him the chance to really take another look at the island.

We had already talked about making the move and I was getting mentally ready to leave my life behind in Hawaii. I was looking out over Aloha tower and trying to let it all sink in. I stared at the buildings and thought that soon this would just be a memory. Something that I saw everyday for two years was going to be gone. I remember starting to get scared. I was looking around trying to make mental notes of everything that I saw to make sure I wouldn’t forget and to really think about what I was about to do. I was going to move 2500 miles to be with someone that I fell in love with over night. It sounded even crazy to me. Then there was a flash. He had taken that picture of me in deep thought.

He just smiled at me and I knew that I was making the right decision. I looked at him and just smiled back and he gave me a strange look and asked me what. I told him that I loved him. It was that moment where I let my heart decide and let myself take a chance. I had been hurt in the past and that is how I ended up in Hawaii but I thought that this was going to be different. I loved the city when I visited. He had amazing people that showered him with love and support. I knew that I could be happy there.

So many times, there was that fear. I remember telling him about getting tested and how I was scared and that there was a chance that I might have caught something or contracted a disease. He calmly told me that he loved me and that you can’t just turn off love and if that is the case we will work through it. We agreed to make this work and that is what we would do. Everything came back negative and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Then late at night on my birthday when we were hit by who we think was a drunk driver. The first thought that ran through my head was, is he ok. I remember holding his hand and looking and seeing pure fear in his eyes. It was scary and it made me want to just get home and hold him tight so that I wouldn’t have to think about losing him. 10 days following I remember getting rear-ended and first thing that came to mind was him. It wasn’t even a hesitation just his face and thoughts of him.

One time that I will never forget and replay in my head over and over is the funeral of my father. I was standing there with my brothers who had all of their kids and spouses with them, and I was standing alone. I ended up walking in with my sister in law and during the entire funeral there was only one person I wanted next to me. It was so hard to not have him next to me or holding my hand. I still replay that now, thinking he’s not here. It makes me hurt still. It was after that moment I remember telling myself and talking about how I didn’t want to feel that pain or that fear of losing you again and not having you by my side. I wanted to spend my life together and I wanted to get married. I want to make our lives together and I want life to be us…

That was only a few weeks before he discovered that I had been using other guys to get attention and gratification though the Internet and text messages. I know, I am the one that made that choice to continue that compulsion but it’s not apart of me anymore. It hurt him to know that I talked about it openly, but through it, so many people are helping themselves. I am not a hero, and in some ways I do enough the attention but I enjoy more helping others. Hearing that others are hurting and that they now are seeing things differently is almost like I can give them the chance to stop it before they lose it all.

I got a message from someone close who talked about their own problems and how they find the strength each day and read the blogs and they use it to move them forward. I know it hurts to see it, but it helps so many others. I caused a lot of hurt and embarrassment by exposing that it was more then just an isolated occurrences. I was able to stop. I am able to walk away from it and become something better. To down play it and to make it something less that what it was would not helped me heal. Head on and all or nothing. That’s how I took it and how I feel I am defeating it each day.

Koko Head Marina at Sunset...

So it’s been almost a month now. Do I miss that lifestyle of gratification? Not at all… I am a new person with more time to spend at the gym or outside or reconnecting with friends. I have more energy, and realize that I am a person with worth and integrity. I don’t need people to degrade or make me feel worthless. I am a good person and loved and appreciated. I look at relationships closer now and also how I let others see me. I am honest, open, and humble. Yes, I made a mistake and have to deal with the consequences… I have lost too many people in my life because of the lies and the facades. Time to be Ben again… The hopeless romantic looking for happily ever after…  

The fear of lost…

The fear of lost…

So going from those feelings of love and happiness I guess I should focus on those other moments. The ones that evoked fear and pain…

Growing up, I really never knew who my father was. I knew that he was loved by the parish in which we all attended school. He was known as the guy who called bingo and everyone loved. I was also so proud when I would see his picture on the bulletin board for Bingo. That father was something very foreign to me.

I remember the green chair that my dad always used to sit on when he got home from work. It was his chair and we were never allowed to sit on it and when he got home he would get his beer and by the end of the night he was sitting in the chair with a beer and just in his underwear. I don’t remember many conversations that we would have or that we had much interaction. He was someone that I feared. If we did something wrong he had a brown leather belt that was used to spank us. It was something we always feared and never really wanted but on the occasion that it did happen, it was something we never would forget.

It wasn’t that he didn’t love us, or that we were bad kids, It was that we were expected to behave in a certain manner. Being the youngest, I got away with a lot of things… I guess that I never really got out of that mentality. As I grew up, I remember talking to my dad about how I didn’t like it when he would drive with his beer. It really struck home one night when we were coming home from the lake and he went off the road and I told him that it wasn’t right for him to do that. I can remember his response very clearly when he said, if you don’t like it then you don’t need to come to the lake anymore. The lake was the one place where we could explore and I felt like I was useful and productive. I could filet a fish and was always willing to help and pull out a knife and show off my skills. It was also a bonding time for my brothers and I. It was a very special place and I didn’t want to lose that so I just kept my mouth shut.

I had a lot of times when I didn’t see eye to eye with my dad. I remember watching a video of me singing at my cousin’s wedding and we were sitting in my grandparents’ house. My dad was in the orange chair and I was sitting on the floor next to her shelf with the garden gnomes, and I was singing and my dad looked at me and told me that I shouldn’t give up my day job. Those words stuck with me and still to this day are hard to swallow. I felt like a disappointment. I didn’t think that I was good enough and he made me question something that I loved to do. It’s amazing how something that was maybe just meant as a joke, was something that I still carry with me. I have the fear of singing in front of people because I don’t want to disappoint or not be good enough.

There were a lot of times that I felt that I wasn’t good enough or that I just didn’t matter. One other very memorable moment was when I was in our room at the farmhouse and my parents began to fight. I was sitting by the bunk beds and I was playing with legos. My dad got upset and threw a big board from the room and it just so happened to hit me and cut my back. I remember starting to cry and my mom grabbed me and we left the house. It was at this moment that I thought they were going to get separated, but I also was excited because I was spending the night at grandmas with my mom. I wasn’t quite getting a grasp on what was going on around me.

One of the scariest moments though happened the day that my dad came home and said he thought that he was having a heart attack. I was sitting in the living room and was not allowed to go to my room because my brother was just diagnosed with mono and was upstairs. He came home and was holding his chest and my mom rushed off to the hospital with him. I remember feeling so alone again. I didn’t know what was going to happen or if he was going to make it. I was just left there. I felt like an after thought and I didn’t even know what to do. I was so scared and didn’t have anyone to talk to or know what to do.

It was the day before solo and ensemble competition in middle school and I remember going to the hospital later that day and seeing the rest of the family there and just not knowing what was going on. I do remember going to ICU to see him and then the next day having to sing. My aunt ended up taking me to the competition but I was so out of it I don’t really remember much of it at all… I was just so much in shock and didn’t know anything and no one would tell me what happened. I though for a while until I got word that I had lost my father then. It was a scary moment and something I never wanted to experience again.

There is one moment though that I will never forget that makes me still cry to this day. The only thing of my father that I have is a letter that he wrote to me my freshman year in high school. When I was away at our “retreat” for choir camp he wrote me this letter and quoted, “To the world you are but one person, but to one person you are the world.” Even thinking about how he wrote this letter telling me how proud of me he was and that he loved me. It was only one of a handful of times that he showed and expressed to me his love. It was a lot to take in and still chokes me up when I think about it. It’s something that I will always hold on too.

One place though that I remember visiting and would love to go back is North Carolina. I am not sure how it happened but I ended up spending my spring break with my dad driving to and around North Carolina. It was great and it was so beautiful and I loved every minute of it. It wasn’t until my dad told me to drive while he and his cousin wer drinking in the back seat. I remember feeling so scared because I had just gotten my permit and I was driving through all these steep cliffs and roads. I stuck through it and was proud of doing it. That is really the last time my dad every spent alone. Its said but true. Its had been since about my sophomore year in high school where we had actually talked and made the effort to get to know each other.

After the divorce that happened from my sophomore to senior year, we became very distant. The relationship changed and I remember going to his house in Albion and decorating his Christmas tree for him. I also know that I fell out of touch with him starting at that point. It wasn’t until show choir my junior year, when he came back into the picture. I don’t really know how it happened and I was unaware but he was helping create sets and making parts and blue prints. It was when he really started to fall in love with live performance. It was his way of helping in an area in which he had no knowledge and be a part of my life but still has the distance.

When I went to college I remember then having a major split with my father. I wanted his help to move my things since he had a truck. He knew that I wanted to use the truck but was upset that I didn’t ask him to move it for me and thought that I wanted to just use the truck and not invite him. It caused a huge fight between my parents and really drove a fork through the relationship that I had with my father. He didn’t end of coming to college with me and actually never visited me at all the entire time I was living in Muncie. That was really when the distance and the feelings were growing between us. I ended up just pushing him out of my life and really never let him back him. It was me trying to protect myself from hurt by avoiding the problem and dealing with the confrontation. 

So I was in a relationship and would spend my holidays with his side of the family. I didn’t really think that I was welcomed in the family and that I fit in with them. I know that is not true but I was just not ready to face to all and felt like the black sheep of the family. So instead I was very active with my ex’s family. It was nice and even got to spend the week in Puerto Rico.

I did see my dad from time to time but it was always for something and was very impersonal. I remember going to ask for the lake house keys to get the canoe and he was showing me the gardens and all the hard work he had done. He was so proud of himself and the work he had done with them. It was great to see him so involved in those kind of things.

When I did decide to move to Hawaii, it was right before my brother’s weeding. It was the one of thelast time we would all be together completely and take a family photo. It was a lot of work and he was telling everyone about me leaving and how proud he was, the only thing is that I never heard a word. I didn’t even get a good bye. It was a full year before I made it back and even then, I didn’t get to see him by both of our choice.

The first and last time I would ever see my dad alive was when I was moving to Sacramento with my former partner. We had talked and agreed to meet at a point halfway between home and Chicago. He was coming from Chicago and we were going to the city. It was very snowy and gross out and many times we thought about just canceling it but we did end up meeting. I bought us our dinner and we sat and talked about the routes we were taking and he asked a few questions about Sacramento. When he left he looked at him and said that it was good to see you again, and I gave him a weird look since he had never met him before and then he hugged me and told me to be in touch.

We did stay in touch until the day of the accident. I know that there was more that wanted to do and wanted to be written. Do I still have any resentment for him? Of course not. I looked at him in the casket and the only thing that I could do was say I was sorry and I forgive you. I wanted him to know that I did love him and that there was so much of him, in side of me that I never knew. I guess sometimes it’s a little to late to get that resolution and to develop a new friendship. It as a hard lesson to learn. But I do forgive him and love him and want him to know that I am sorry and I forgive him…