New Years New Beginnings

New Year is a time for reflection and to look forward to the New Year. I never would have imagined ringing in the New Year in Palm Springs area. It has been quite a year to say the least. This year I took a leap and move to SoCal for a new job and a new adventure. I can say after this year I now know what 120 degrees feels like and what it means to be hot! This was the first move for myself and I am glad for the journey. I can’t say what is next but I am enjoying it while it lasts. I have been trying to take advantage of Disneyland at my doorstep when I can.

This year was full of firsts for me as well. I finally made it to Disney World for the first time and universal Studios on an amazing vacation. It was one of the best times I have had in a long time and full of excitement and new memories made. I am sure for next year I am going to make sure I make it back for a reprise.

I am looking forward to what is in store. Its never a dull moment and life is full of the adventures. Everyday I am reminded that I don’t need anyone to make me happy, It’s about taking the happiness inside and having someone to share that with. Here’s to the New Year and many new memories ahead! 

Unwritten Moments

Taken from the Farm back in Indiana

Over the past year two years life has been anything but easy. I would say it was more of an adventure not a challenge. I am no hero; I am no star maybe just the lead in my own storybook. Sometimes it’s hard to think that there is a happy ending out there, but I know there is so much left unwritten. I tend to blog when my emotions are running high. It’s a way to release feelings, hopes, dreams, and even fear. I look back on where life has taken me and realize that there is so much more.

For those who know me, and follow my life you know the story. You have seen it unfold before your eyes. For the new ones there are plots and storylines I sometimes like to leave hidden. I made myself a promise to stop living in the shadows, behind the facades and live my life. I tend to find myself smiling a lot more. It’s not about always being happy. It sometimes is a smile for hope. I cry sometimes when I am alone. I hurt and have a wide range of emotions. It’s never about the tears because from them a smile always emerges. I miss things, I miss people, I miss moments, but relive memories. There have been good and bad but they are all apart of what makes me who I am today.

 

Life has a way of catching me off guard. It’s in those moments I am reminded of the hard times and then the moments that bring tears of joy. When I am on my road trips wither it is across the country or down to Orange County, I always seem to have a moment that I am reminded of my Dad. It’s when we talk. I turn of the radio and just tell him things as if he was my co-captain in the car.  I tell him about life and how proud of me he would be if he knew what I was doing. I guess losing him made me get even closer to him. I have never talked about my feelings about the loss to many but it still does hurt. There is still a sting when I hear a song on the iPod that reminds me of him. I guess in a way its how I found the inter-peace and the connection that we never had when he was alive.

Our relationship was anything but perfect. It was dysfunctional at best. It definitely had its ups and downs. I sometimes took it for granted. It wasn’t until I returned from Hawaii that I began to understand that we had been so stubborn and strong that we just pushed each other away for so long. It was in that short time after that we made the most of the time together and began to build something more that just a relationship of blood.  While it was cut short, it will never be forgotten. Its will live on through moments and memories. In my photos of the farm, in songs, and in snips and pieces that come and go with time, I find I am reminded of him more than ever sometimes. I did love him and know that he loved me as much in return. It was never spoken but we had a language and relationships that was ours.

Life has changed. I have changed as a person. I take the opportunities to live my life and to make the best of situations. I think of what may be ahead for me in the near future and it scares me. It’s exciting and scary all at once. A chapter is closing and new one is about to be written. I think of what I will leave behind and what is in store for me. It a new adventure and sure it won’t be easy. The best adventures aren’t the easiest rather the ones that test us and challenge us everyday.

 

I have two great dogs that I love and who love me unconditionally. They are there on nights like tonight when I need someone to hold and who are there to remind me to not sweat the small things. They are basic but with hearts as big as the messes they sometimes create. I have an apartment that is unique and filled with character. I guess there is something to be said when a building that once was left abandoned has found a new life. It really helped spark a new life and spirit in me. I have new people in my life and olds ones alike. Each person has left an imprint on my life in some way. I can never express the gratitude for my friends and family. Through the good and the bad they are always there beside me. For that I am thankful.

So this is life. It’s a chapter that is about to come to a close and another to be written. I cannot say I know what lies ahead but I know that with the people in my life, I am going to be ok. Not just ok but I am going to conquer the hurdle and the speed bumps ahead of me. While a tear or two was shed writing this, I am reminded of the memories, the magical ones, the distant ones, and the recent ones that all make me smile.

Here’s to the new adventures and the people I will meet along the way… I’m ready! 

I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get/but I’m better than I used to be

“I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get/But I’m better than I used to be…There’s a diamond under all this dust”

The New Year is a time for resolutions and for new beginnings. I look at myself in the mirror and I like the person that I see, I know there is still a lot more of learning and growing left. One of the most uncomfortable things for me, is to just look into a mirror and think. It’s amazing how you can be your own worst enemy. I see my flaws, my imperfections, how I have scares on my face, my hairline receding, the acne from time to time, and then I remember all of this makes me, me.

I would be lying if I said I am completely comfortable in my own skin. I know there is a lot of work left to do. I have never really had to worry about weight, or counting calories. All of my life I have been active. It’s only been in the last few years that I find that I have been less active. I know I have a gym membership and that I can go at any time. Sometimes I just feel like I wish I had the push to get up and go to the gym.

One thing I realized a while back was that working in my industry; I will never have a “normal” schedule of 9-5. The higher in the industry the closer I will get to have more freedoms. I also realized how much I invest in my job and evaluated what I get in return. Currently I look at my roles and responsibilities. I am still trying to finding the balance between outside life and work life. I have to have a separation and more of what defines me then my job. It is my career and a big part of me, but I can’t have it dictating my life. I have given up a lot of things and sacrificed and at what cost I ask myself.

One thing that I have let suffer is my health. I have been so exhausted when I get home from work, I just want to sleep. I find myself sleeping for more than 8 hours and have no energy or excitement to get up in the morning. I go into auto-pilot and it find that I sleep away my day and rush to even get to work because I have no motivation or desire to leave my apartment.

I thought that things were going to change and I got a glimmer of something more on New Year’s Day. I had no idea what to expect and was taken by surprise in so many ways when someone took me to places that left me speechless. There was something that ignited something inside me that night. I felt amazing. It was as if this was how the year was supposed to go and things that could be in store. Unfortunately as of late things have went back to what they were before. It was a momentary bliss. I guess that maybe that sometimes you need the glimpses of what could be in order to appreciate what you have and what is out there to motivate you.

So here we are, 4 days into 2012. It’s had its ups and it has had its down. I am not sure what it has in store for me. I am not sure what life has in store for me either. I do know one thing. I am going to start to really focus on myself and my health. I agreed to work out with someone this evening and want to push myself. I want to feel better, I want more energy, I want to look at my body and be proud of where I have gone and where I am going.

So in the meantime while I am working on my body, I am going to see where fate has in store for me. Throwing it out there and seeing what happens… Here’s hoping for something. It’s a time for a change and new adventure… Here’s to 2012

CandleLite

It’s been almost a year that I have been on my blog. Over the last year, I have found that I am using many of the social media networks, less and less. Sometimes in my life, I don’t want to be found. Other times I feel like I am doing so much and everything is happening so fast that I don’t have time to sit down and write about what is going on in my life.

I am more of a private person then most people would think. I know most of you are saying, well sure but you have put so much out on here and let people in on the worst part of your life and talked about things that most people would have just kept to themselves. In some ways it was a way to cope, to heal. I took the time today and read through the old blogs. Its amazing to see where I have been and what has been happening over the course of just a year or two.

I guess this is really another ditch in the road, and you keep moving. Sometimes I forget to take time to stop. I think its when I do, I realize that I sometimes have so much on my plate that I forget what is in front of me. My mom used to tell me that I was always getting sick or hurt because I was burning the candle from both ends. I still do that all this and guess its just who I am. I like to be busy and have things to look forward to and goals and plans. Now don’t get me wrong I do sometimes just like to have just a night alone, but those are the nights that make me realize what I have and where I am in my life.

I was told yesterday while I was working that I was very mature for a 32 year old… I told the guest that I was flattered and that I was only 25 but thank you. He apologized and I told him no need but thank you for that. He talked about I always carry myself and that I seem to have it together. In a lot of ways, I think that I am.

I can say that I live comfortably on my own. I have a great two story studio loft downtown Sacramento. It has a charm to it that I don’t think I could find anywhere else. I have a car, with a new tire, thank you blow out tire this weekend. I have two incredible dogs, Allie and Diesel. They 2 year old black labs that love me unconditionally and always there to cuddle with at night. I have a job and sometimes I consider it a blessing and curse at the same time.

Work has been a great source of stress and uncertainty. I truly do enjoy what I do but I have always had trouble balance the rest of my life with my job. I work in an industry where you never know what is going to happen. I tend to get so caught up in work that my life takes a back seat.  It’s a hard balance and I have been doing my best to keep the two in check. Sometimes, like today, I was so caught up with what I was doing out side of work that I didn’t look at the schedule enough to know that I had an early shift. I guess that was a wake up call to realize that I need to focus.

The thing that I realize is that I only have to dedicate the 8 hours to work. When I am gone, I am gone. Its about being able to let go of everything when I walk through the door and then again when I leave, I leave it at the door. I know that there are things aren’t always as black and white and there is a lot more that goes into it all, but I need to stay focused and make sure that I am doing all that I can and standing out so when an opportunity does arise, I will be able to move forward with no hesitation.

I am going to do my best this year to keep this updated and it will serve as a place to look at what I have and where I have gone. I do it enough in pictures but sometimes it’s nice to see what I was thinking and know the person I have become, through the good and the bad.

So after all of that I guess I can talk about this past weekend. I had planned on going to Disneyland to see my good friend Susie. We were going to attend the Candlelight on Main Street Disney. I had no idea what would really be in store for me. I was planning on going down on Thursday night, and going to the park with someone on Friday while Susie was at work. While that sounded like a great idea, I was driving on I-5 about hour from Sacramento, when my tire exploded. It was scary but it was just a small inconvenience in the weekend. I ended up getting a new tire and heading down and heading straight for the park. I finally got to the park around 4:30PM. I got to see the park in a whole new light. It was something special that I cannot even begin to describe. Getting to see my first Disney snowfall with great company.

Saturday was another great day at Disney. I got to spend most of the day with Susie and get a game plan for the Sunday’s Event. It was CRAZY at the park. It took forever to move even just a small amount of space due to the number of people in the park. We ended up leaving the park and meeting Matt for dinner outside the park. It was a nice change. After Dinner Matt and I ended up heading back to the park and even made time to go see the Muppets. We stopped in DCA and went to experience Electronica. It was pretty interesting and great place to people watch. We ended up heading out to the movie and it was a great end of the day.

Sunday was crazy day. Susie claimed her place on Main Street and camped it out while I got to go explore the park with Matt again. I got to meet some of Matt’s friends and it was great company. We also made our way back to feed and water Susie and let her take bathroom breaks. We kept an eye on our spots while she got to go see the parade and then after a coffee run, we got to see the Candlelight Ceremony.  As with anything Disney it was a spectacle. About 500 choir members marched down the street to a main stage to sing with a orchestra and the Christmas Story was read by Gary Sinise. (Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump.)

Matt and I on Space Mountain

Monday was just as great. I got to spend the day riding rides with Susie, or I should say breaking the rides. We got stuck on Space Mountain and then on pirates we experienced quite a bit of traffic on the water. It was great to spend the time with Susie and I am sure she was sick of hearing what a magical couple of nights I had. We ended up going to DCA to watch world of color… again attempted. The show ended up getting cancelled due to the high winds. We did get to see the holiday sequence and it started but couldn’t continue.

The hardest part was leaving Orange County on Monday night. Susie and I said our goodbyes and I met Matt at a coffee shop that was still open. We just sat there and talked about the weekend and what was in store. I am still thinking about all of it.  I don’t think that I would have been able to make it home all night with no sleep, if it wasn’t that I left sad, but still smiled for everything that happened and what could be in store.

I know that there is a lot riding on new that I should be getting in the next week or before. Until then I am going to do everything that I can do….

So until next time, which will be sooner than later….

LATER DAYS!

Living in the Darkness…

Living in the Darkness…

Everyone talks about the new hope and the joy in the New Year. It’s a time for people to make resolution and changes. The problem is that the change only lasts for a few weeks or month if we are lucky. In order to find the success it is a battle and it making it an everyday routine.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine. I was given an opportunity to interview at the new Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. I noticed it being advertised on a hospitality career website and thought it wouldn’t hurt to apply. To my surprise, I received an email asking me to fill out a survey. I did and then received an invitation to come out and interview in person. I jumped at the chance and figured I could use a break from work.

I stayed at another property close to the hotel and went in for an interview which turned out to be a group interview. After leaving the interview I was pulled aside and asked to return for a second interview. I agreed and came back the next day. I thought that I was on point and it seemed like they were very interested.
After talking to people who work in the industry in Las Vegas I thought that I had a great chance. I even took the night off and went out with some new friends and had a wonderful time. I left the following day and headed back to Sacramento. It was New Years Eve and I was going to work the graveyard shift. I was ready for a long weekend and after getting little rest in Vegas I was still running on the hope of a new opportunity.

New Years Eve turned out to be one of the most eventful nights at work. With a fight that landed one in the hospital and three more injured, it was anything but a slow night. I agreed to work both nights at night audit since we were short staffed and I figured it was my penitence for leaving and going to interview.
Since that night, I have not had a day off work. Working the graveyard shift and not seeing much of 2011. It seems that everyday I get off work and head home to an apartment that looks like a disaster area. I have no energy to do anything when I get off work. I have so much to do but yet nothing is getting accomplished.
I need to take care of myself. That includes taking care of my place and belongings. I am looking forward to seeing the sunshine. I want to go out and do something fun. I want to have a social life again. I want to have something to look forward to.

I contacted the hotel with a thank you email and hoped that it would prompt an email back with new of another interview; instead I got a stock email that said they were moving forward with other candidates. It wasn’t my time.

There is something bigger and better out there for me and I just need to focus on what I have in front of me. I have a job that is stable. While at the moment, it’s not enjoyable like it should be, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I have never let myself settle. I always push and drive to better myself and push myself. This is just one more chance to see what I am capable of. Another opportunity that is part of a larger plan and path is just awaiting me. I have found taking an optimistic view provides growth. I could lull and be upset but instead I am finding the silver lining.

Looking back on last year, it was rough. There were some great times and wonderful memories. There were a lot of highs but also a lot of lows. Most would have been looking at the New Year and cursing the old. I look at last year as a turning point. I started living life. I learned that I can do just about anything and the value of friendships.

Living alone use to scare me. I find it peaceful. While I enjoy taking trips alone and getting to explore places on my own, I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss having someone to share my adventures with. I was very fortunate to travel all over the US this year and I look forward to expanding that this year. I want to get out of the US at least once before 2012.

So I guess there is something to look forward to while living in the darkness. This year I am going to try even more new things. Live life and explore the world. Most importantly I need to take care of myself. I am going to finally get to the dentist for the first time in over a decade, start cooking more, and get to the gym. Its not because it is a new year, it’s because I am still becoming a new me. I have only scratched the surface.

And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.

Cry...

Cry…

There are many things in life that I wish I had been told when I was younger and growing up. I found a quote a long time ago and it has stuck with me since I remember reading it. Everyone strives to live a normal life. There is no normal life, just life.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t try so hard to fit in or try to be what everyone thought that I should be. Life is so much easier when you are true to yourself and follow your own drummer.

I have never been one to follow trends when it comes to living life. Yes there are some trends that I did hop on the bandwagon. I had a Virtual Pet Key chain. I remember having my mom help me keep it alive and having so many that it was always going off at all hours of the night. I also had a Furby or two… Still do in my room back in Indiana. I also collected Beanie Babies. I would go places and hunt out the new one or try to find an older one or one that was irregular. Never sold a single one so now I have them in a storage unit at home. So yeah there are times where I jumped on the bandwagon and joining in on the trends.

One thing I was always told though was to be myself. I thought of myself as someone very unique and special. No one was like me and I was ok with that. The problem was that it took me a long time to discover what it meant to be myself. I hid the bad parts of my life. Buried feelings and emotions to people and lived a double life. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to live one life. An honest and forthcoming one. One that I would be proud to talk about.

I know that people have been a little worried by my status and I have been a very distant to a lot of people. I know that I fell off the face of the world for a few days but I just needed to shut down. I am sorry for the plans that I broke and standing up the people that care about me and who I value. I am sorry and hope that you can understand that I wasn’t ready to explain why I needed a break and couldn’t justify just saying I’m sorry I need to be alone.

I have been down and slightly depressed. I had a great time over Halloween and worked some crazy hours had a blast out at the bar but something just didn’t feel right. If you have ever just felt numb you know what I am talking about. I went to work the next day and felt out of place. Almost like I was just on autopilot. Some of the co-workers who know me the best could see that I wasn’t who I normally was. It was strange. My body was sore and I felt like I was still in a daze. I chalked it up to a wild night, and if I got some rest I would feel fine.

Unfortunately even with hours and hours of sleep I woke the following day to the same feelings. I felt gross and felt like something was off. I had been fighting a cold but it wasn’t that I was sick. It was a strange sensation that I don’t know how to describe other than it wasn’t me.

I took SAM out and drove and let my mind take a mental break. I know it sounds dangerous but I assure you that I was driving defensively but find that it helps clear my head and allows me to just get back to a healthy place.

Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. I would of picked up the phone called him and wished him a happy birthday and we would of talked about the weather how it was getting cold back in Indiana. He’d tell me about the trips he would take on the bus to Chicago. Maybe even that he had seen a show and critique it. That would of happened today but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I saw something tonight that I haven’t seen in years. I was driving and saw a shooting star, not just one out of the corner of my eye but one that seemed to last longer than normal. I watched it change from the yellow to the green and the tail drag across the sky. Just like a little kid I thought that I was lucky and I wanted to make a wish. Normally I would think of something that I wanted for myself or something good to happen. Not tonight. The only thing I said was this one is for you dad.  I hope you found some happiness where you are. I started to tear up while driving and shortly after my iPod played “On Eagles Wings.”  My dad’s favorite hymn. It just seemed fitting and I found myself singing and letting the tears roll down my face.

Sometime you need to cry. You don’t have to be strong and hide emotions. It made me find peace and a way to take just a few moments to reflect back on the good times. The things that matter to me and the fact that I am growing up and want to be a good person. I know that I still have my flaws and have a lot of work left to better myself. But tonight some how I felt like that my dad was there with me and just gave me a reminder that there is always someone looking after me. I know he is proud of the person that I am. It’s time for me to feel the same way.

Life is never easy. There is no normal life. There is unexpected ditches in the road and yes you keep moving on. You make mistakes and you stumble and fall. Even when you think you have it all together, there is always something waiting. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not. I don’t know what life has in store for me or where the paths are going to lead.

So to those who are asking if I am ok? Yes. I am going to fine and I just had a rough time in the road where I needed to step away from the world around me and find some inter-peace. I needed a moment disconnected from everything. Those I have hurt or the ones that I left in the dark again, I am sorry and know that I am still learning to tell others that I need time for myself. 

I know it’s not always easy to be my friend, to stand by me when I make mistakes. I am not the best at making plans, getting off work on time, getting out of the house quickly, and I am sure the list goes on and on. While I have my flaws, I learned something about myself. I am a good person. I have a lot to offer. I know that I value people that come into my life. Sometimes I don’t always tell people enough or seems that I don’t show that I care but I do. So again, I am sorry for being distant but know that I value your presence in my life.

I want to end my blog on a positive note though. I am making goals for myself for 2011. Everyone waits until last minute to set huge goals but I want to start now. Start small and move forward.

Benjamin’s 2011 Goals

• Hike more often. Once a month go hiking or camping or backpacking. Before the end of the 2011 year, return to Grand Canyon for a Rim-to-Rim hike.
• Go Skydiving.
• Enroll in School full time to finish my degree.
• White water rafting with friends and camp in the woods.
• Perform. Sing something for others and/or join a play.
• Start playing soccer again and get my referring license renewed.
• Get to the gym and begin a workout schedule 3 times a week at least.
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter.
• Make it back to Indiana for 45^th Anniversary Show.
• Take more pictures. Find beauty in common places and hidden in everyday life.
• Continue to be a good person. Love life and Enjoy! 

Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…