Cry...

Cry…

There are many things in life that I wish I had been told when I was younger and growing up. I found a quote a long time ago and it has stuck with me since I remember reading it. Everyone strives to live a normal life. There is no normal life, just life.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t try so hard to fit in or try to be what everyone thought that I should be. Life is so much easier when you are true to yourself and follow your own drummer.

I have never been one to follow trends when it comes to living life. Yes there are some trends that I did hop on the bandwagon. I had a Virtual Pet Key chain. I remember having my mom help me keep it alive and having so many that it was always going off at all hours of the night. I also had a Furby or two… Still do in my room back in Indiana. I also collected Beanie Babies. I would go places and hunt out the new one or try to find an older one or one that was irregular. Never sold a single one so now I have them in a storage unit at home. So yeah there are times where I jumped on the bandwagon and joining in on the trends.

One thing I was always told though was to be myself. I thought of myself as someone very unique and special. No one was like me and I was ok with that. The problem was that it took me a long time to discover what it meant to be myself. I hid the bad parts of my life. Buried feelings and emotions to people and lived a double life. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to live one life. An honest and forthcoming one. One that I would be proud to talk about.

I know that people have been a little worried by my status and I have been a very distant to a lot of people. I know that I fell off the face of the world for a few days but I just needed to shut down. I am sorry for the plans that I broke and standing up the people that care about me and who I value. I am sorry and hope that you can understand that I wasn’t ready to explain why I needed a break and couldn’t justify just saying I’m sorry I need to be alone.

I have been down and slightly depressed. I had a great time over Halloween and worked some crazy hours had a blast out at the bar but something just didn’t feel right. If you have ever just felt numb you know what I am talking about. I went to work the next day and felt out of place. Almost like I was just on autopilot. Some of the co-workers who know me the best could see that I wasn’t who I normally was. It was strange. My body was sore and I felt like I was still in a daze. I chalked it up to a wild night, and if I got some rest I would feel fine.

Unfortunately even with hours and hours of sleep I woke the following day to the same feelings. I felt gross and felt like something was off. I had been fighting a cold but it wasn’t that I was sick. It was a strange sensation that I don’t know how to describe other than it wasn’t me.

I took SAM out and drove and let my mind take a mental break. I know it sounds dangerous but I assure you that I was driving defensively but find that it helps clear my head and allows me to just get back to a healthy place.

Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. I would of picked up the phone called him and wished him a happy birthday and we would of talked about the weather how it was getting cold back in Indiana. He’d tell me about the trips he would take on the bus to Chicago. Maybe even that he had seen a show and critique it. That would of happened today but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I saw something tonight that I haven’t seen in years. I was driving and saw a shooting star, not just one out of the corner of my eye but one that seemed to last longer than normal. I watched it change from the yellow to the green and the tail drag across the sky. Just like a little kid I thought that I was lucky and I wanted to make a wish. Normally I would think of something that I wanted for myself or something good to happen. Not tonight. The only thing I said was this one is for you dad.  I hope you found some happiness where you are. I started to tear up while driving and shortly after my iPod played “On Eagles Wings.”  My dad’s favorite hymn. It just seemed fitting and I found myself singing and letting the tears roll down my face.

Sometime you need to cry. You don’t have to be strong and hide emotions. It made me find peace and a way to take just a few moments to reflect back on the good times. The things that matter to me and the fact that I am growing up and want to be a good person. I know that I still have my flaws and have a lot of work left to better myself. But tonight some how I felt like that my dad was there with me and just gave me a reminder that there is always someone looking after me. I know he is proud of the person that I am. It’s time for me to feel the same way.

Life is never easy. There is no normal life. There is unexpected ditches in the road and yes you keep moving on. You make mistakes and you stumble and fall. Even when you think you have it all together, there is always something waiting. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not. I don’t know what life has in store for me or where the paths are going to lead.

So to those who are asking if I am ok? Yes. I am going to fine and I just had a rough time in the road where I needed to step away from the world around me and find some inter-peace. I needed a moment disconnected from everything. Those I have hurt or the ones that I left in the dark again, I am sorry and know that I am still learning to tell others that I need time for myself. 

I know it’s not always easy to be my friend, to stand by me when I make mistakes. I am not the best at making plans, getting off work on time, getting out of the house quickly, and I am sure the list goes on and on. While I have my flaws, I learned something about myself. I am a good person. I have a lot to offer. I know that I value people that come into my life. Sometimes I don’t always tell people enough or seems that I don’t show that I care but I do. So again, I am sorry for being distant but know that I value your presence in my life.

I want to end my blog on a positive note though. I am making goals for myself for 2011. Everyone waits until last minute to set huge goals but I want to start now. Start small and move forward.

Benjamin’s 2011 Goals

• Hike more often. Once a month go hiking or camping or backpacking. Before the end of the 2011 year, return to Grand Canyon for a Rim-to-Rim hike.
• Go Skydiving.
• Enroll in School full time to finish my degree.
• White water rafting with friends and camp in the woods.
• Perform. Sing something for others and/or join a play.
• Start playing soccer again and get my referring license renewed.
• Get to the gym and begin a workout schedule 3 times a week at least.
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter.
• Make it back to Indiana for 45^th Anniversary Show.
• Take more pictures. Find beauty in common places and hidden in everyday life.
• Continue to be a good person. Love life and Enjoy! 

Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…   

This is the beginning...

So this will be a short blog since i am sitting at the Sacramento Airport just waiting for the plane to start to board. It seems almost unreal that I am going to be leaving here for over a weak and making the trip back to Sacramento through all of those places and seen so much.  When asked if I am scared, I would say yes. This is a big deal for me and for moving forward. I am going to be doing something alone and for myself. Stopping when I want to stop and doing what I want to do and see. Its scary but also exciting. Its almost like an adrenaline rush that makes me want to do it even more.

So this begins the journey and the adventure. One flight out of three. I have a couple of longer layovers that will sure to invoke a blog or a short Facebook posting. I hope that I will be able to sleep on this plane ride since i was up all night getting ready and just the nerves and the excitement. So I'll be back in Indiana soon....

Until then,

LATER DAYS!
 

Close My Eyes

Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and make everything go away. Today at work, I find my mind wondering. Thoughts and ideas going through my mind like a flash of a camera flashbulb. Last week I was with a good friend at dinner and I sat there and just looked up from the food and for the first time I spoke, “I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.” It’s strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I have been so co-dependant for years that I never have had the freedoms or the ability to responsible for myself. This has been such an adventure that I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to find yourself almost 25 years later. I find that when I come home at night after work. I grab my mail and sit on the table and look out the window and just decompress from the day. It was hard at first to not have someone to talk to when I get home but as time goes by, I find myself not missing things that I once had.




I have some great people that are around me and I am very fortunate to find those people. I find myself getting reminded that I still have a lot of work ahead of me and lots of learning and healing to do. Different times and in different state of mind, things would be much different, though I am happy where I am at the moment. It’s living in that moment that scares me sometimes. It’s when you think about the future and try to anticipate the next move. That unfortunately is never the case. It will always change and all I can do it gather up the tools and the resources to carry with me. I am always reminded to tread the waters carefully and keep a mindful eye on the heart on my sleeve. Someday when the timing is right and when I am ready, love will happen. It’s not something to be forced or to be rushed.



One Step at the time.
There is a reward at the top full of beauty.
Just one more step and one foot infront of the other.



I have been going out for the last few weekends and it’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to be alone in a bar. I sometime find myself just finding a place and staying put for a few minutes to process everything around me. I am finding it easier to take the first step and just saying hello to people. It’s getting over that first step to find out so much about people. When I am out with friends, it’s so much easier to get introduced then to walk up to someone and introduce myself. It’s slow but happening more and more. I have to admit that I always run into at least someone I know.



While it’s nice to have that, I also have had to deal with the past when I am out. I had someone come up to me this weekend and told me that they recognized me and that we had talked in the past. He then said yeah you had a boyfriend and some friends said that you were cheating. I just looked at him and said I was single and that’s not the real person I am, and if you want to get to know me for more than that, I’m always up for a chat and grabbed my water and told him to keep that in mind and he just smiled and I walked away.



I know that I am going to run into that from time to time, but it’s taking a different approach and taking a higher road and something more respectable. I know that there are many people who will always see me in a negative light and that is unfortunate for them. I have a lot to offer and continue to try to better myself everyday. I have my faults but I also know that its time for me to show people who I am and what I really capable of everyday.



So on a lighter note, well somewhat lighter. The trip begins in only 10 more days. For the next week and half, I am going to be hitting the gym everyday to try to get buff and also to help clear my mind. I find that I am able to just zone out the world around me when I am running. I am going to really focus on the weight lifting and the chest, arms, and back these next two weeks. It’s so foreign to me but I have been doing my homework and getting some great workout tips from men’s health and through some friends.

There is beauty in the crash of a waves.
Each one is different and never the same.
Always coming back for more the ocean never stops.

Going to the gym when there is no one pushing you or having anyone to go with is very hard. There is so much strength in numbers and learning that through this. It’s always to blend into the crowd but its more rewarding leading the crowd and doing it for yourself. I use to be so scared to be getting the small weights at the gym to start my sets’ but I figure that it’s a process. You can’t just jump into the large weights unless you want to get hurt. I guess it’s very symbolic of relationships for me. While I know that I can go and lift the 100lbs, there is no reason to do that and get hurt and have to go back to lower weight. I keep my eye on the goal of being able to bench it but know there is no reason to fear it until I am ready to get to the 20lbs then 25lbs. It’s a process… and taking it everyday and each rep as a challenge to push myself and know that someday I can look back and see where I have been.



I am slightly nervous about everything when I get home. It seems like every time when I am in Indiana, it starts to feel like less and less of home. Things become distant memories and each time I find myself thinking that I am growing away from the place. It has a place in my heart but no longer my home. It’s just a place of memories. I know that this will be very short time spent actually in Indiana. I am looking at just two days before heading out on this trip that will sure to have so many memories and eventful times.



I am hoping to video blog about it and have some pretty amazing pictures to share with everyone on the trip. This is a new beginning and something that will test myself and an opportunity to be comfortable with me. Just me, my iPhone, iPod, and SAM. SAM is the name of the car in honor of my dad. Steven Anthony Mangona. This is a road trip to find peace in it all and the closure I need to move forward.



This may be the most documented trip of my life. I have my video camera, two digital cameras, my iPhone, and my Computer. I plan on using it all when I am traveling. One thing that I also am doing when I am home is posing for a friend. I have not had my picture taken professionally since I was senior in high school. I was hoping to me in much better shape then what I am in at the moment but still am down a lot of weight since before the breakup. I hope this week to just get a little more of the way to where I want to me. I am excited and scared but know they are going to turn out amazing; it will be good to be comfortable again with me. This trip is about bettering Benjamin. That’s the goal. Getting back to Sacramento and know who I am, and feel good about the person I am. I am already on the path just an always ongoing forward moving trail.



So there is a lot on my mind. I got so many fears but know that it will be calmed when I am on the plane heading home and finding that inner-peace on the interstate.



Next Adventure after the road trip… Skydiving. More to come later. One adventure at a time….

...see the new day dawn

Happy Labor Day,




I guess with the little bit of downtime, I wanted to get a blog out and just take an inventory of where I am. It’s been a few months and things have calmed down to a certain extent. As far as work, things have been going pretty good. We are in the process of hiring new staff. This month we will be adding about 5 new staff members and it will be nice to get some fresh blood in the hotel and maybe shake up a few things. We are heading on company outing this week to explore the underground Old Sacramento. It will be nice change to get everyone away from the hotel for just a few hours.



My apartment is slowly coming together. I have had some great people that have helped me gather things and items for the apartment. I have a couch and a love seat and just acquired a new bar table and chairs. It’s actually very nice to sit and eat breakfast or dinner and look out over the street and people watch. I haven’t hung anything up on the walls but my goal is to use pictures from the road trip to decorate my apartment. I do want to get a new bed soon as well. I refer to my bed as a racecar bed because it does have wheels on it because it’s a rollaway. I am hoping to get a few big items for my self after thanksgiving. I want to conquer black Friday.



I have been hit and miss on working out. I had a few of really good weeks where I was making it to the gym about 4-5 times a week. I have been a little spottier with work and the holiday and having some issues with my foot from my bike. I was talking to a good friend and decided that I need to get to road running and attempt a mini marathon. I was looking online and found a few 5Ks and 10Ks that would help train me for a half. It would be a lot of hard work but I think that it would help clear my head and get me back into the swing of things. This week I need to step it up and going to hit it hard, within reason of course, but get a few really good workouts before heading home.



Mentally, I am doing actually really well. I have had some really mentally straining events over the last week, but I think that I am handling it well. I got some great people in my life right now. It’s scary when I go out and hope that I will run into people that I know and that I will have a good time. It’s the biggest challenge for me to just go out and talk to new people. It’s a hurdle I am trying to still get over. As outgoing and friendly person as I am most of the time. I get into situations and it’s hard for me to get the courage to talk to new people. It’s a work in progress but something that with time will get much easier. Take a challenge and face it and make a goal. I try to at least talk to one new person every time I go out. And more than just a “hey, how are you,” but a real conversation.



Dating and Relationships… This one is a tricky one. I know that I am trying to make sure that take things slow and just enjoy the moments. I don’t want to rush into something but I am really enjoying getting to know people and find myself smiling a lot more lately. Just living each day and taking it day by day. As far as other relationships, I am glad to have some great friendships with people close and far from me. I found that I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and made some of those old ties even stronger. Its nice to have people who have known me for years but distance makes it hard, but also nice to get a hug when you really need it from new friends that I hope to keep with me for a very long time.



I guess this would be the same area to talk about family. I haven’t been in touch as much as I was in the past with my family. I know that I should pick up the phone and call more often, but I do check-in from time to time. This whole estate has been a lot of stress on my family. I know that I haven’t really been there to help out, but know that there isn’t much that I can do and the less hands in the cookie jar the easier it will be. For me I was hoping to come home in October and it all been done and then we can move on from there. It doesn’t look like that will happen but I just want to have that burden lifted off my shoulders and shoulders of the family. It made me realize how important having a Will and keeping it updated. The moment I buy a house and have property I would get one in place incase of the unforeseen to make sure that I looked out for the people around me.



So I am much stronger person for everything that happened. I have closed the door on a lot of loose ends and continue to do so everyday. One battle and one demon at a time until the clutter is removed. This month I will be getting my medical and dental arranged and know that there is some work to be done. It won’t be a fun road and going to the dentist after over 10 years, I am not looking forward to the outcome, but I know it’s needed and who knows, maybe ill get some laughing gas out of the situation.



Fears left at the door, regretting none, I move forward. More humble and sometimes shaky I know that I am moving onward. It’s been an adventure and more is still yet to be written. I look forward to what life has to offer and seeing things in a new light.



“And when the night has finally gone.

And when we see the new day dawn.

We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.

The wasted world we thought we knew,

The light will make it look brand new.



Light- Next to Normal

Goals and Desires

Goals and Desires

For a short moment I though that I was going to call it an early night and get to bed early. It’s funny though when you are laying in bed and thoughts just begin to run through your head that you can’t close your eyes hard enough to make it slow down. I began to think about so many different things. One of those things was my future.

Now I know there is much truth in living in the moment. I myself am learning to do this more and more everyday. It’s hard to let the reins go and just let life happen. I think that is a very important part of life. Going on a shopping trip for one things and ending up with something complete different. That is what life is about. Its taking the moments and smiling because as much as you want to think you know where and what you want, life has its ways of giving you what you need.

I never thought by the time I was 24 years old, I would have lived in Hawaii and now calling California my home. But again, life happens right? I am not sad for the hardships or hold grudges on the people of my past. Rather, I move forward with something new and different outlook on things. I never knew my strength until I was tested. It would be easy to give up and throw in the towel, but that is not me at all. I have run from fears and hid behind masks. It’s a new life now though. I find myself thinking about things that I want in life more and more each day.

While I am moving forward, I am still trying to finish things from my past. One of the most important things for me to finish now is school. No more excuses for not finishing. It’s not going to be easy. I know that going into it, but know it will be worth it in the end. I have decided that I will be doing just a few classes at the community college in January and then go to full time status the following semester. It is my goal to be enrolled in Sac State the following year and finishing up my degree. One step at a time and day by day…

When it comes to my career I can say that I am not sure where it will lead me. There options are endless. I want to continue to push onward and move back up the ladder. I am going to put in my time doing the hard shifts now and make the sacrifices so that someday in the near future I will have the freedom to do more, not only at work but also outside work. Ultimately I would love to take over a large full service hotel and also try my hand with luxury hotels and resorts but that will come with time.

Being gay, I have been asked how I feel about marriage and kids. It’s an easy answer for me. I can tell you that yes, I want to be married and have kids. Most people dream about their wedding and I can say that even I have thought about what kind of wedding I would want and also some of the details for the big day. A couple of thing about the wedding I can say that I want stargazer lilies and Casablanca Lilies. I have always loved the look of the stargazers and the smell of the Casablanca lilies is heavenly. It also will be very formal of a wedding. I know that I want something that will be unforgettable and in true Ben fashion something of a spectacle.

The rest of the wedding is very much depending on guy that I end up giving my hand to and pledging to spend the rest of my life with. I think between the two of us the rest of that day will just fall into place and be something that people could only dream of.

On the issue of children, something that many people don’t know about me is that when I started college my original major was pre-medicine and I wanted to work as an ER doctor in a children’s hospital. I have always wanted children. I loved teaching the Half-note kids in show choir and helping coaching the younger kids in soccer. There is something special and magical about a child’s smile and the quest for discovery. I remember how amazing it was to have Jordin, my first nephew born. I loved him and knew from that moment on that someday I would love to give love to a child and give him an environment to learn and grow and take those lessons and conquer the world.

Now there is a big hurdle when it comes to children between two men. I have always thought that I would adopt a child. It would be a second chance at life for a child. I could never imagine paying someone to carry a child when there are so many children that are in need of loving families and who want some to love them. I would be honored and humbled to bring someone in and give him or her love in a way that will help them grow. Someday there will be someone will be calling me Dad and who I will be there for forever.

On a lighter note, I would also love get back to the basic of things that really makes me happy. I miss two things in my life. Soccer and Theater. Both are things that I plan on working on this year. I want to get my refereeing licenses again, and also join an open league in the spring. I am hoping to get in much better shape before then and so when I step back on the field I won’t feel like I am going to die from exhaustion.  Who knows if I still got it in me but there is only one way to find out. I am pretty sure that refereeing will come back to me like riding a bike. I enjoy that moment on the field and being part of the game. It helps develop sportsmanship when you play and respect for what they do. If you ever think that they are doing a bad job then get on the field and give it ago.

In regards to theater and singing, I would love to get back on the stage and do a show or two. I miss the feeling of a spotlight following you and the lights that seem to create a glow that my skin just soaks up. There is something magical about theater. Acting provides the ability to be someone else for a moment and live a role that is used to tell a story. The thrill of live theater is something that is unmatched and a high that I can’t even begin to describe.  It’s a big part of my life and something that I have but on the backburner for long enough.

So there is an insight on a few of my goals and desires in life. I just was singing this song this week and I think that I agree with the lyrics. Bonus points awarded if you know this song and the movie it comes from!

Open up your eyes, take a look at me

Get the picture fixed in your memory

I'm driven by the rhythm like the beat of a heart

And I won't stop until I start

To stand out

To stand out

Some people settle for the typical thing

Livin' all their lives waiting in the wings

It ain't a question of "if", just a matter of time

Before I move to the front of the line

Once you're watching every move that I make

You gotta believe that I got what it takes

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If the sqeeky wheel's always gettin' the grease

I'm totally devoted to disturbing the peace

And I'll do it all again, when I get done

Until I become your number one

No method to the madness, and no means of escape

Gonna break every rule or bend them all outta shape

It ain't a question of "how", just a matter of when

You get the message that I'm tryin' to send

I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head

And you know I'm going all the way to the end

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If I could make you stop and take a look at me

instead of just, walkin' by

There's nothin that

I wouldn't do if it was gettin' you to notice

I'm alive

All I need is half a chance,

a second thought, a second glance

To prove, I got whatever it takes

It's a piece of cake

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna, stand out, staaaand out

Stand out!

ya, ya, ya, ya,

Stand out!

(hmph.)

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out

'Til ya notice me 

Defying Gravity

Defying Gravity

It’s been some time since I have posted on my blog. I have been doing pretty well as of lately. I know that it’s only been a few short months but life has really begun to settle down. I have been having some wonderful adventures at work and outside work as well.

I have to say that this weekend was a blast and stressful all at once. I came into work after being out all night on Friday. I got off work on Friday and took a quick nap and headed out with some friends. I joined them for some great people watching that included some interesting dance moves that were… well we will just say it was interesting, the added some fuel to the body with a great bite to eat nearby. I ended up deciding that I was going to go back out even though they were leaving for the night. I am really glad that I did. I was afraid that I was going to be all alone at the bar and just drinking my water and not knowing anyone. It wasn’t that way at all. I ran into so great people and we spent the entire night dancing, mostly on the platforms, bringing all the straight girls to dance with us and making people have a good time. It was nice to smile like that. It was also great to just let loose and have a good time. The best part was that all night I never even had to drink. It was just water all night. So it was wonderful night with some new friends and a great time.

So after feeling great on Friday, I got into work and seemed to have lost my voice. It was pretty great all of the staff were calling it my sexy voice because it was so raspy. It took a few hours but I got it back. During this time at desk I had two interesting check ins for the day. One was Reptile Man and other was a little person both from Ripley’s. When the guy told us who they would be, it just like it was Bob Smith or John Doe. Its amazing that after all these years in the hotel, you just don’t get surprised by anything.

So the two of them just added to the day. After the second shift came in I ended up helping out the Pub Crawl Mini Golf event outside the hotel. I agreed that I would go out for a few hours until it was over. It was 3PM on Saturday and watching people try to putt while they were already drunk was a blast. Had a great time and it was awesome. So we began to tear down and when our bar supervisor deeply cut his hand. I didn’t notice until he told the engineer that he needed to go to the hospital. I just saw how deep it was and agreed. So they called in some other people to cover the shifts while we worked on getting him bandaged up and sent him on the way to the hospital. I called the GM and made sure we were following the procedures and let her know what was going on.  So we had just one staff in the bar and lounge so I became a server for a few hours. It was actually kind of fun and I enjoyed it but only stayed long enough for the rest of the staff to return.

I had to wait at work to make sure that we got all the paper work for the incident and when he got back he said he had gotten 16 stitches and cut all the way through his hand. It was a clean cut and he would be fine in about 10 days. So I filled out the forms and got the engineer to call it in. I made it home around 9:00pm and was planning on going out… I got a call and instead decided I wanted to just crawl in bed and talk. And so that is what I did.

I love that everyday at my hotel something new and exciting happens. Usually it’s a few things over time not all at once but it made for a great story and fun times. So bar supervisor is ok, and the hotel was fine. It was just another day in the life at the hotel.

Today was just boring compared to that but I did have a great night. Playing with Pandora and watching some video and even had a Hawaiian moment listening to some of Lilo and Stitch.  Also watched a few Wicked video and songs and made me feel so good to hear it all and think about performing and that rush you get when you are on stage.

So I guess now is the time to defy gravity. Everything so far seemed to want to pull me down and make me that someone else was controlling me. Everyone does deserve a chance to fly. This is my chance and I am going to make the best out of it. So September is going to be the month that I kick it up. One month until I am heading home and begin the road trip. I am going be doing gym harder this month and making sure that I am striving to make healthier choices in food and for myself. It’s been an adventure but this is only the beginning for me. I am going to Defy Gravity!!!

Not Quite Defying Gravity... The Jet Turbine Under Me Helped.
Goal: Go Skydiving with in the next 12 months! 

Day by day...

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it.  But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.  ~John Newton

It’s been a short break between the blogs due to some crazy work schedule and getting things around and getting settled.  I went with a good friend of mine to go and get things at Wal-Mart to finish the set up of the apartment. I made a few big purchases while I was there. I bought a new vacuum that I assembled myself… I’m handy what can I say? I also bought a new bike. It was on sale and its pretty and red. I now can move about more freely and get to more places. It’s a big deal to the Sacramento Area to have a bike. Being so bike friendly, I am now able to go all the way through midtown and opens so many more doors for me while I wait to get the car in October.

Which brings me to my next topic. October. I am going to be making a long distance road trip from Kendallville, IN to Sacramento, CA.  I could have just made a straight shot and it would only take two days, but… I want this to be about an adventure and excitement on the way. I want to see places that so many people have always talked about. I already booked my plane ticket home and will be flying into FWA at 9:30PM September 30^th. I plan on spending Friday filling out paperwork and getting things done to finalize the trip and see my family and make it down to Indy as well.  Saturday, I will be attending the Apple Fest and experience the nostalgia of Apple Fest. It will be nice break from life to set back to one of my happiest moments growing up, and well as anyone who attends can tell you, the food is pretty awesome as well.

Sunday morning I am going to begin my journey West… The first Stop is more symbolic of the journey ahead and always something that I wanted to do. So I will be driving south to the St. Louis Archway… “The Gateway to the West.” After a tour and riding up to the top and taking some picture and even a video on the way if I am feeling ambitious, I will depart St. Louis and head to Omaha, NE to spend the night. This is the longest part of my journey and also the latest expected arrival to the hotel that I have selected. I am going to play tourist this entire trip. I was always afraid to really be a tourist in Hawaii, so this is my chance and I will ham it up!

The next morning I will be leaving Omaha to head to Mt. Rushmore. It will be a short picture stop and look at the mountain and continuing my journey to Billings, MT. I will spend the night there and depart the following day to get to Old Faithful and Yellowstone National Park. I want to walk around and take picture and see some wildlife and roaming animals before departing for Salt Lake City that night. That will be the third stop on my Trip. I am hoping to see the Olympic Park and maybe see some local sites before calling it a night.

I will depart for Mesa Verde that morning and plan on doing a few stops and looking at the buildings and taking a driving tour through the park and short 30 minute hike. I have looked over all the places that I am going and have allotted a certain time for myself and always over estimating the times to make sure that I stay on schedule. Its like I am taking an appetizer sampler approach to the trip. All of theses places to just get a taste and if I like one I would revisit them again.

From Mesa Verde, I am planning on crossing through 4 Corners and of course going to take a picture of myself in 4 States at once... then head to the Grand Canyon. I am staying the night just out side of the Grand Canyon so that in the morning I can make it there early. I also have been getting some advice to go to Sonoma so I might have to do that before I leave and head for the Hoover Dam, and Las Vegas. I have plenty of time built into this day to give me the flexibility to see other things as well. After I decide its off to Vegas for the night…

 I am excited to see the lights and the fountains and soak up Las Vegas. I am not sure where I will be going or what to do, but I think I might go see a show or just walk around and take pictures and see this place. I have a feeling that with the shinny lights and the noises, I will be in sensory overload. That being said I am going to allow myself $40 to gamble and when it’s gone, it’s gone. A few slots and then its off to bed for this one.

When I leave Vegas, I have a few options… I can do a long trip and go from San Diego and north, or I can see the Hollywood Sign, though the traffic does not really sound appealing, I might just make a straight line home. The options are all open and I will play the last day by ear.

So besides the Road trip planning and getting the apartment setup, things are going pretty well. Work is well work and that has been stable. I have made a lot of great friends with my co-workers and well as it provided me an outlet and something to focus on. I am doing pretty well mentally; I am now at point where it’s more of a monthly session. It’s still always great to have the option and to use it as just a check in to keep things going. I would lie if I said I don’t get a moment or two of heartache but it’s that pushing and driving force in me. It burns but it lights the fire to do great things.

Last night was a great night as well. I was tired and could have easily just gone to sleep instead of going out, but it was great. I got to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen I in couple of weeks and it was nice to people watch and dance and have a good time. It was nice too when I was walking home, people were still out and having a good time and I got invited to a party and then had some crazy conversations with people. It was a wonderful feeling and I remember thinking in my head… I like Sacramento. I enjoy this and how great some people here can be. Yeah there will be the times when paths are crossed but I already know that I can be mature and it won’t faze me. So I guess… welcome home to Sacramento. 

The End...

So this is where it stops…

Tonight is a new beginning of healing. It’s when I realize that I have to let go. Where I have to move forward. That there is not more re-living the moments of what was and when you begin to try to heal.

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”  ~Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending; I wanted at least something more than silence. But it truly isn’t about what we want. Who would have thought that life would hand me this moment and this opportunity. I need to move forward. In some ways, I was holding on for some slight chance of hope. Waiting for the opportunity to receive forgiveness. I can’t wait anymore.

Today, I decided before speaking with him. I am going to stay in Sacramento. Did this change how I feel? No… I am not going to run. It’s too easy to say I don’t want to be reminded of him and to run away from it and start all over. I am done with the running and done with the hiding. I am going to face this and finish and stay where I am.

The location doesn’t determine the outcome. I can’t go to a place and find happiness. Its what you find inside yourself. It’s what happens when you are comfortable with who you are. Am I at this point? Not really. Do I feel lost right now? Yes. I am hurting now and it’s pushing me to my limits. All the hard work I have done so far is not going to be wasted.

It would be so easy to break down and to walk away defeated. I am not going to walk away. I have opportunities here. I have a job that I enjoy greatly and have people who depend on me for guidance and for leadership. I leave the baggage at the door. It’s my stage. I perform everyday and get to make others happy. I need to stay put for once. Prove that while it hurts and that making a break would be easier its shows more character to stay.

I will cross paths with him again because it is inevitable. It will happen when I least expect it and when my guard is down. I know it will hurt and that the pain is that reminder that I should be push myself to do better. A reminder that I am accountable for the actions, wither they be just cyber conversation, or face-to-face actions. It all matters.

So tonight… Its over, it’s done. I fought as best as I could. Am I a loser? Not at all. I have gained more than I ever realized before. I have needed a change in my life; it just took a ditch that stopped me in my tracks to set that change in motion.

So this is another ditch in the road, but you keep moving on… I will continue to blog about the feelings. The emotions. The ups and the downs… Life is a journey and welcome to mine… I welcome the passengers and people to watch. I no longer have anything to hide. This is Benjamin Alan Mangona; 24-year-old white male, brown hair (that’s remaining), brown eyes, 5’6 and proud 146lbs; Exposed for you to see…life is just beginning.

So no tears will be wept, no need to cry over the loss of something that was gone so long ago. I am going to sleep tonight and wake up and start a new life. I have a counseling session in the morning followed by working middle of the day. A trip to the gym will follow and who knows what lies ahead.

We move forward with no idea of what is going to happen next. Life is unexpected. I look at it now as a blank slate. I have so many tools at my fingertips. I have goals and ambitions. I have sacrificed so much of myself for others, that now… I am in control.

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.  The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.”  ~Voltaire 

Are you worthy?

Are you worthy?

That was the sign that was on the church when I walked pass today on my way home from work. Work was pretty tough today and constantly busy and lots of issues but it was at the same time fun. If gave up every time that I had an issue or a tough time, I wouldn’t still be doing what I do. Everyday is new and exciting challenge. I do it because I know that yes, I am worthy. I am good at what I do and it was nice today to have people who wanted to hug me and take my picture with them. They thanked me and told me that they would miss seeing me everyday and that they were blown away by our hospitality at the hotel.

Leaving my mark on top of the world.... 

Worth. (Noun) The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable. I am worth more than what most people give me credit. I have put others before myself for way to long. I let people tell me that I wasn’t worth anything. I let them treat me like I was useless and degrade me and treat me as if I had no value. I was at that point before, I let people and wanted people to tell me I was worthless because I had the desire to make it come true. Not anymore. Not ever again…

I felt worthless after the breakup; I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that it was me. I wanted to fight and wanted to try to make it work because I valued what was there in front of me. I wanted to make a change. I did, and I have changed. I am proud of the new person that I have become. I am glad it happened in some ways. I know that someday that when there is someone who wants to love me and truly understands my worth that will be when it will be forever.

Do I still love him? Yes of course I do. Would I be willing to sit down and talk? Anytime. I am facing the problem head on and working to be something better. I am not hiding and making excuses for the actions. I did something that I am not proud of and I realized that it was wrong. I am sorry everyday for causing the pain and the hurt that I did. I know many people think that I deserve it everyday. Many have even made it a point to express that to me. The pain hurts for the moment but at least I am dealing with pain. I am taking it full on. No need to sugar coat it or hide it with a smile. I am not going to look back and say I wish I had done something different. There is no use to looking back anymore. I am here, and this is who I am. I am no longer worthless.

Looking up and realizing there is so far to go.
 Life is full of twists and turns but what lies at the top is worth the journey.  

Worth: (n) Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit. My actions in the past were not ones that showed worth. I was disrespectful to myself and disrespectful to my partner for the actions and the conversations that I had. I understand that I have lost my merit. Words mean nothing when there is not worth or respect. I cannot change that part but I can change the person I am. I have showed my worth and continue to do so. I will not hold a grudge or take an opportunity to make a witty or low blow. I am not that person. I hold him to a higher worth. I respect him and his decision. I love him and care for him deeply and it’s hard to not want to be there when you know he is hurting. I know there is nothing that I can do or say and that is something very hard for me, because I do care about others more than myself.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror when I get up and tell myself that it will be ok. I walk through an empty apartment and think how life could be if he was here with me. Living the life that we planned. The constant reminders of him are everywhere. I pass the street where we met and where I surprised him on opening night. I walk the same path that we walked the first time I came wearing his college sweater. Those were happier moments…moments of pure bliss. Though now they carry a hint of doubt for him. How can I have had the secret life and still be I love with someone. I can speak from my heart and say all of those moments were real, the happiness, the joy. It was real and we had more happy times then anything else. We never really ever got into a fight. It was love. It’s gone now though and the memories are tainted for him. For me and in my heart I know they are still something that makes me smile. I know I never questioned my love for him. Every moment was real emotions of joy and happiness.

Danger lies ahead. Use the lessons and be prepared for life.

So now the story continues. I stand in that mirror and say that I am a good person. I made a few mistakes. It’s a scar that you carry on your heart. I have plenty of them all over my body anyway so what’s a few more to the heart. I never will forget the memories. I don’t plan on deleting the photos or making it all go away. There is not closure from it all when you hide it or burn it or push it away. It will always come back to you. I am a better person because of everything that happened. I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a house with kids and garden and flowers and a husband who loves me unconditionally. Someday that will be a reality… because I am worthy. I am worthy of happiness and love… It’s time to realize my worth. 

Flashbacks and Looking to the Future

So as of lately, I have been listening to Next to Normal Soundtrack when I am walking to and from work and when I need a little break from life. It’s a wonderful story and if you are not familiar with it, I would strongly recommend looking it up on youtube or google it.

I had a couple of people ask me about the photo that I choose for profiles. I can remember that day clear as day. It was when my partner was visiting me for about 3 weeks for Christmas and New Years Eve. We would joke about how it was a trail run on life. He would stay with me and I was still working but it would be a glance at what life would be like if we lived together. I had talked to a good friend and ended up getting us a free ticket to go on the whale watching tour. He said he had never been on a boat before so I was happy to get him the chance to really take another look at the island.

We had already talked about making the move and I was getting mentally ready to leave my life behind in Hawaii. I was looking out over Aloha tower and trying to let it all sink in. I stared at the buildings and thought that soon this would just be a memory. Something that I saw everyday for two years was going to be gone. I remember starting to get scared. I was looking around trying to make mental notes of everything that I saw to make sure I wouldn’t forget and to really think about what I was about to do. I was going to move 2500 miles to be with someone that I fell in love with over night. It sounded even crazy to me. Then there was a flash. He had taken that picture of me in deep thought.

He just smiled at me and I knew that I was making the right decision. I looked at him and just smiled back and he gave me a strange look and asked me what. I told him that I loved him. It was that moment where I let my heart decide and let myself take a chance. I had been hurt in the past and that is how I ended up in Hawaii but I thought that this was going to be different. I loved the city when I visited. He had amazing people that showered him with love and support. I knew that I could be happy there.

So many times, there was that fear. I remember telling him about getting tested and how I was scared and that there was a chance that I might have caught something or contracted a disease. He calmly told me that he loved me and that you can’t just turn off love and if that is the case we will work through it. We agreed to make this work and that is what we would do. Everything came back negative and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Then late at night on my birthday when we were hit by who we think was a drunk driver. The first thought that ran through my head was, is he ok. I remember holding his hand and looking and seeing pure fear in his eyes. It was scary and it made me want to just get home and hold him tight so that I wouldn’t have to think about losing him. 10 days following I remember getting rear-ended and first thing that came to mind was him. It wasn’t even a hesitation just his face and thoughts of him.

One time that I will never forget and replay in my head over and over is the funeral of my father. I was standing there with my brothers who had all of their kids and spouses with them, and I was standing alone. I ended up walking in with my sister in law and during the entire funeral there was only one person I wanted next to me. It was so hard to not have him next to me or holding my hand. I still replay that now, thinking he’s not here. It makes me hurt still. It was after that moment I remember telling myself and talking about how I didn’t want to feel that pain or that fear of losing you again and not having you by my side. I wanted to spend my life together and I wanted to get married. I want to make our lives together and I want life to be us…

That was only a few weeks before he discovered that I had been using other guys to get attention and gratification though the Internet and text messages. I know, I am the one that made that choice to continue that compulsion but it’s not apart of me anymore. It hurt him to know that I talked about it openly, but through it, so many people are helping themselves. I am not a hero, and in some ways I do enough the attention but I enjoy more helping others. Hearing that others are hurting and that they now are seeing things differently is almost like I can give them the chance to stop it before they lose it all.

I got a message from someone close who talked about their own problems and how they find the strength each day and read the blogs and they use it to move them forward. I know it hurts to see it, but it helps so many others. I caused a lot of hurt and embarrassment by exposing that it was more then just an isolated occurrences. I was able to stop. I am able to walk away from it and become something better. To down play it and to make it something less that what it was would not helped me heal. Head on and all or nothing. That’s how I took it and how I feel I am defeating it each day.

Koko Head Marina at Sunset...

So it’s been almost a month now. Do I miss that lifestyle of gratification? Not at all… I am a new person with more time to spend at the gym or outside or reconnecting with friends. I have more energy, and realize that I am a person with worth and integrity. I don’t need people to degrade or make me feel worthless. I am a good person and loved and appreciated. I look at relationships closer now and also how I let others see me. I am honest, open, and humble. Yes, I made a mistake and have to deal with the consequences… I have lost too many people in my life because of the lies and the facades. Time to be Ben again… The hopeless romantic looking for happily ever after…  

The fear of lost…

The fear of lost…

So going from those feelings of love and happiness I guess I should focus on those other moments. The ones that evoked fear and pain…

Growing up, I really never knew who my father was. I knew that he was loved by the parish in which we all attended school. He was known as the guy who called bingo and everyone loved. I was also so proud when I would see his picture on the bulletin board for Bingo. That father was something very foreign to me.

I remember the green chair that my dad always used to sit on when he got home from work. It was his chair and we were never allowed to sit on it and when he got home he would get his beer and by the end of the night he was sitting in the chair with a beer and just in his underwear. I don’t remember many conversations that we would have or that we had much interaction. He was someone that I feared. If we did something wrong he had a brown leather belt that was used to spank us. It was something we always feared and never really wanted but on the occasion that it did happen, it was something we never would forget.

It wasn’t that he didn’t love us, or that we were bad kids, It was that we were expected to behave in a certain manner. Being the youngest, I got away with a lot of things… I guess that I never really got out of that mentality. As I grew up, I remember talking to my dad about how I didn’t like it when he would drive with his beer. It really struck home one night when we were coming home from the lake and he went off the road and I told him that it wasn’t right for him to do that. I can remember his response very clearly when he said, if you don’t like it then you don’t need to come to the lake anymore. The lake was the one place where we could explore and I felt like I was useful and productive. I could filet a fish and was always willing to help and pull out a knife and show off my skills. It was also a bonding time for my brothers and I. It was a very special place and I didn’t want to lose that so I just kept my mouth shut.

I had a lot of times when I didn’t see eye to eye with my dad. I remember watching a video of me singing at my cousin’s wedding and we were sitting in my grandparents’ house. My dad was in the orange chair and I was sitting on the floor next to her shelf with the garden gnomes, and I was singing and my dad looked at me and told me that I shouldn’t give up my day job. Those words stuck with me and still to this day are hard to swallow. I felt like a disappointment. I didn’t think that I was good enough and he made me question something that I loved to do. It’s amazing how something that was maybe just meant as a joke, was something that I still carry with me. I have the fear of singing in front of people because I don’t want to disappoint or not be good enough.

There were a lot of times that I felt that I wasn’t good enough or that I just didn’t matter. One other very memorable moment was when I was in our room at the farmhouse and my parents began to fight. I was sitting by the bunk beds and I was playing with legos. My dad got upset and threw a big board from the room and it just so happened to hit me and cut my back. I remember starting to cry and my mom grabbed me and we left the house. It was at this moment that I thought they were going to get separated, but I also was excited because I was spending the night at grandmas with my mom. I wasn’t quite getting a grasp on what was going on around me.

One of the scariest moments though happened the day that my dad came home and said he thought that he was having a heart attack. I was sitting in the living room and was not allowed to go to my room because my brother was just diagnosed with mono and was upstairs. He came home and was holding his chest and my mom rushed off to the hospital with him. I remember feeling so alone again. I didn’t know what was going to happen or if he was going to make it. I was just left there. I felt like an after thought and I didn’t even know what to do. I was so scared and didn’t have anyone to talk to or know what to do.

It was the day before solo and ensemble competition in middle school and I remember going to the hospital later that day and seeing the rest of the family there and just not knowing what was going on. I do remember going to ICU to see him and then the next day having to sing. My aunt ended up taking me to the competition but I was so out of it I don’t really remember much of it at all… I was just so much in shock and didn’t know anything and no one would tell me what happened. I though for a while until I got word that I had lost my father then. It was a scary moment and something I never wanted to experience again.

There is one moment though that I will never forget that makes me still cry to this day. The only thing of my father that I have is a letter that he wrote to me my freshman year in high school. When I was away at our “retreat” for choir camp he wrote me this letter and quoted, “To the world you are but one person, but to one person you are the world.” Even thinking about how he wrote this letter telling me how proud of me he was and that he loved me. It was only one of a handful of times that he showed and expressed to me his love. It was a lot to take in and still chokes me up when I think about it. It’s something that I will always hold on too.

One place though that I remember visiting and would love to go back is North Carolina. I am not sure how it happened but I ended up spending my spring break with my dad driving to and around North Carolina. It was great and it was so beautiful and I loved every minute of it. It wasn’t until my dad told me to drive while he and his cousin wer drinking in the back seat. I remember feeling so scared because I had just gotten my permit and I was driving through all these steep cliffs and roads. I stuck through it and was proud of doing it. That is really the last time my dad every spent alone. Its said but true. Its had been since about my sophomore year in high school where we had actually talked and made the effort to get to know each other.

After the divorce that happened from my sophomore to senior year, we became very distant. The relationship changed and I remember going to his house in Albion and decorating his Christmas tree for him. I also know that I fell out of touch with him starting at that point. It wasn’t until show choir my junior year, when he came back into the picture. I don’t really know how it happened and I was unaware but he was helping create sets and making parts and blue prints. It was when he really started to fall in love with live performance. It was his way of helping in an area in which he had no knowledge and be a part of my life but still has the distance.

When I went to college I remember then having a major split with my father. I wanted his help to move my things since he had a truck. He knew that I wanted to use the truck but was upset that I didn’t ask him to move it for me and thought that I wanted to just use the truck and not invite him. It caused a huge fight between my parents and really drove a fork through the relationship that I had with my father. He didn’t end of coming to college with me and actually never visited me at all the entire time I was living in Muncie. That was really when the distance and the feelings were growing between us. I ended up just pushing him out of my life and really never let him back him. It was me trying to protect myself from hurt by avoiding the problem and dealing with the confrontation. 

So I was in a relationship and would spend my holidays with his side of the family. I didn’t really think that I was welcomed in the family and that I fit in with them. I know that is not true but I was just not ready to face to all and felt like the black sheep of the family. So instead I was very active with my ex’s family. It was nice and even got to spend the week in Puerto Rico.

I did see my dad from time to time but it was always for something and was very impersonal. I remember going to ask for the lake house keys to get the canoe and he was showing me the gardens and all the hard work he had done. He was so proud of himself and the work he had done with them. It was great to see him so involved in those kind of things.

When I did decide to move to Hawaii, it was right before my brother’s weeding. It was the one of thelast time we would all be together completely and take a family photo. It was a lot of work and he was telling everyone about me leaving and how proud he was, the only thing is that I never heard a word. I didn’t even get a good bye. It was a full year before I made it back and even then, I didn’t get to see him by both of our choice.

The first and last time I would ever see my dad alive was when I was moving to Sacramento with my former partner. We had talked and agreed to meet at a point halfway between home and Chicago. He was coming from Chicago and we were going to the city. It was very snowy and gross out and many times we thought about just canceling it but we did end up meeting. I bought us our dinner and we sat and talked about the routes we were taking and he asked a few questions about Sacramento. When he left he looked at him and said that it was good to see you again, and I gave him a weird look since he had never met him before and then he hugged me and told me to be in touch.

We did stay in touch until the day of the accident. I know that there was more that wanted to do and wanted to be written. Do I still have any resentment for him? Of course not. I looked at him in the casket and the only thing that I could do was say I was sorry and I forgive you. I wanted him to know that I did love him and that there was so much of him, in side of me that I never knew. I guess sometimes it’s a little to late to get that resolution and to develop a new friendship. It as a hard lesson to learn. But I do forgive him and love him and want him to know that I am sorry and I forgive him…