Unwritten Moments

Taken from the Farm back in Indiana

Over the past year two years life has been anything but easy. I would say it was more of an adventure not a challenge. I am no hero; I am no star maybe just the lead in my own storybook. Sometimes it’s hard to think that there is a happy ending out there, but I know there is so much left unwritten. I tend to blog when my emotions are running high. It’s a way to release feelings, hopes, dreams, and even fear. I look back on where life has taken me and realize that there is so much more.

For those who know me, and follow my life you know the story. You have seen it unfold before your eyes. For the new ones there are plots and storylines I sometimes like to leave hidden. I made myself a promise to stop living in the shadows, behind the facades and live my life. I tend to find myself smiling a lot more. It’s not about always being happy. It sometimes is a smile for hope. I cry sometimes when I am alone. I hurt and have a wide range of emotions. It’s never about the tears because from them a smile always emerges. I miss things, I miss people, I miss moments, but relive memories. There have been good and bad but they are all apart of what makes me who I am today.

 

Life has a way of catching me off guard. It’s in those moments I am reminded of the hard times and then the moments that bring tears of joy. When I am on my road trips wither it is across the country or down to Orange County, I always seem to have a moment that I am reminded of my Dad. It’s when we talk. I turn of the radio and just tell him things as if he was my co-captain in the car.  I tell him about life and how proud of me he would be if he knew what I was doing. I guess losing him made me get even closer to him. I have never talked about my feelings about the loss to many but it still does hurt. There is still a sting when I hear a song on the iPod that reminds me of him. I guess in a way its how I found the inter-peace and the connection that we never had when he was alive.

Our relationship was anything but perfect. It was dysfunctional at best. It definitely had its ups and downs. I sometimes took it for granted. It wasn’t until I returned from Hawaii that I began to understand that we had been so stubborn and strong that we just pushed each other away for so long. It was in that short time after that we made the most of the time together and began to build something more that just a relationship of blood.  While it was cut short, it will never be forgotten. Its will live on through moments and memories. In my photos of the farm, in songs, and in snips and pieces that come and go with time, I find I am reminded of him more than ever sometimes. I did love him and know that he loved me as much in return. It was never spoken but we had a language and relationships that was ours.

Life has changed. I have changed as a person. I take the opportunities to live my life and to make the best of situations. I think of what may be ahead for me in the near future and it scares me. It’s exciting and scary all at once. A chapter is closing and new one is about to be written. I think of what I will leave behind and what is in store for me. It a new adventure and sure it won’t be easy. The best adventures aren’t the easiest rather the ones that test us and challenge us everyday.

 

I have two great dogs that I love and who love me unconditionally. They are there on nights like tonight when I need someone to hold and who are there to remind me to not sweat the small things. They are basic but with hearts as big as the messes they sometimes create. I have an apartment that is unique and filled with character. I guess there is something to be said when a building that once was left abandoned has found a new life. It really helped spark a new life and spirit in me. I have new people in my life and olds ones alike. Each person has left an imprint on my life in some way. I can never express the gratitude for my friends and family. Through the good and the bad they are always there beside me. For that I am thankful.

So this is life. It’s a chapter that is about to come to a close and another to be written. I cannot say I know what lies ahead but I know that with the people in my life, I am going to be ok. Not just ok but I am going to conquer the hurdle and the speed bumps ahead of me. While a tear or two was shed writing this, I am reminded of the memories, the magical ones, the distant ones, and the recent ones that all make me smile.

Here’s to the new adventures and the people I will meet along the way… I’m ready! 

I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get/but I’m better than I used to be

“I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get/But I’m better than I used to be…There’s a diamond under all this dust”

The New Year is a time for resolutions and for new beginnings. I look at myself in the mirror and I like the person that I see, I know there is still a lot more of learning and growing left. One of the most uncomfortable things for me, is to just look into a mirror and think. It’s amazing how you can be your own worst enemy. I see my flaws, my imperfections, how I have scares on my face, my hairline receding, the acne from time to time, and then I remember all of this makes me, me.

I would be lying if I said I am completely comfortable in my own skin. I know there is a lot of work left to do. I have never really had to worry about weight, or counting calories. All of my life I have been active. It’s only been in the last few years that I find that I have been less active. I know I have a gym membership and that I can go at any time. Sometimes I just feel like I wish I had the push to get up and go to the gym.

One thing I realized a while back was that working in my industry; I will never have a “normal” schedule of 9-5. The higher in the industry the closer I will get to have more freedoms. I also realized how much I invest in my job and evaluated what I get in return. Currently I look at my roles and responsibilities. I am still trying to finding the balance between outside life and work life. I have to have a separation and more of what defines me then my job. It is my career and a big part of me, but I can’t have it dictating my life. I have given up a lot of things and sacrificed and at what cost I ask myself.

One thing that I have let suffer is my health. I have been so exhausted when I get home from work, I just want to sleep. I find myself sleeping for more than 8 hours and have no energy or excitement to get up in the morning. I go into auto-pilot and it find that I sleep away my day and rush to even get to work because I have no motivation or desire to leave my apartment.

I thought that things were going to change and I got a glimmer of something more on New Year’s Day. I had no idea what to expect and was taken by surprise in so many ways when someone took me to places that left me speechless. There was something that ignited something inside me that night. I felt amazing. It was as if this was how the year was supposed to go and things that could be in store. Unfortunately as of late things have went back to what they were before. It was a momentary bliss. I guess that maybe that sometimes you need the glimpses of what could be in order to appreciate what you have and what is out there to motivate you.

So here we are, 4 days into 2012. It’s had its ups and it has had its down. I am not sure what it has in store for me. I am not sure what life has in store for me either. I do know one thing. I am going to start to really focus on myself and my health. I agreed to work out with someone this evening and want to push myself. I want to feel better, I want more energy, I want to look at my body and be proud of where I have gone and where I am going.

So in the meantime while I am working on my body, I am going to see where fate has in store for me. Throwing it out there and seeing what happens… Here’s hoping for something. It’s a time for a change and new adventure… Here’s to 2012