Cry...

Cry…

There are many things in life that I wish I had been told when I was younger and growing up. I found a quote a long time ago and it has stuck with me since I remember reading it. Everyone strives to live a normal life. There is no normal life, just life.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t try so hard to fit in or try to be what everyone thought that I should be. Life is so much easier when you are true to yourself and follow your own drummer.

I have never been one to follow trends when it comes to living life. Yes there are some trends that I did hop on the bandwagon. I had a Virtual Pet Key chain. I remember having my mom help me keep it alive and having so many that it was always going off at all hours of the night. I also had a Furby or two… Still do in my room back in Indiana. I also collected Beanie Babies. I would go places and hunt out the new one or try to find an older one or one that was irregular. Never sold a single one so now I have them in a storage unit at home. So yeah there are times where I jumped on the bandwagon and joining in on the trends.

One thing I was always told though was to be myself. I thought of myself as someone very unique and special. No one was like me and I was ok with that. The problem was that it took me a long time to discover what it meant to be myself. I hid the bad parts of my life. Buried feelings and emotions to people and lived a double life. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to live one life. An honest and forthcoming one. One that I would be proud to talk about.

I know that people have been a little worried by my status and I have been a very distant to a lot of people. I know that I fell off the face of the world for a few days but I just needed to shut down. I am sorry for the plans that I broke and standing up the people that care about me and who I value. I am sorry and hope that you can understand that I wasn’t ready to explain why I needed a break and couldn’t justify just saying I’m sorry I need to be alone.

I have been down and slightly depressed. I had a great time over Halloween and worked some crazy hours had a blast out at the bar but something just didn’t feel right. If you have ever just felt numb you know what I am talking about. I went to work the next day and felt out of place. Almost like I was just on autopilot. Some of the co-workers who know me the best could see that I wasn’t who I normally was. It was strange. My body was sore and I felt like I was still in a daze. I chalked it up to a wild night, and if I got some rest I would feel fine.

Unfortunately even with hours and hours of sleep I woke the following day to the same feelings. I felt gross and felt like something was off. I had been fighting a cold but it wasn’t that I was sick. It was a strange sensation that I don’t know how to describe other than it wasn’t me.

I took SAM out and drove and let my mind take a mental break. I know it sounds dangerous but I assure you that I was driving defensively but find that it helps clear my head and allows me to just get back to a healthy place.

Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. I would of picked up the phone called him and wished him a happy birthday and we would of talked about the weather how it was getting cold back in Indiana. He’d tell me about the trips he would take on the bus to Chicago. Maybe even that he had seen a show and critique it. That would of happened today but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I saw something tonight that I haven’t seen in years. I was driving and saw a shooting star, not just one out of the corner of my eye but one that seemed to last longer than normal. I watched it change from the yellow to the green and the tail drag across the sky. Just like a little kid I thought that I was lucky and I wanted to make a wish. Normally I would think of something that I wanted for myself or something good to happen. Not tonight. The only thing I said was this one is for you dad.  I hope you found some happiness where you are. I started to tear up while driving and shortly after my iPod played “On Eagles Wings.”  My dad’s favorite hymn. It just seemed fitting and I found myself singing and letting the tears roll down my face.

Sometime you need to cry. You don’t have to be strong and hide emotions. It made me find peace and a way to take just a few moments to reflect back on the good times. The things that matter to me and the fact that I am growing up and want to be a good person. I know that I still have my flaws and have a lot of work left to better myself. But tonight some how I felt like that my dad was there with me and just gave me a reminder that there is always someone looking after me. I know he is proud of the person that I am. It’s time for me to feel the same way.

Life is never easy. There is no normal life. There is unexpected ditches in the road and yes you keep moving on. You make mistakes and you stumble and fall. Even when you think you have it all together, there is always something waiting. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not. I don’t know what life has in store for me or where the paths are going to lead.

So to those who are asking if I am ok? Yes. I am going to fine and I just had a rough time in the road where I needed to step away from the world around me and find some inter-peace. I needed a moment disconnected from everything. Those I have hurt or the ones that I left in the dark again, I am sorry and know that I am still learning to tell others that I need time for myself. 

I know it’s not always easy to be my friend, to stand by me when I make mistakes. I am not the best at making plans, getting off work on time, getting out of the house quickly, and I am sure the list goes on and on. While I have my flaws, I learned something about myself. I am a good person. I have a lot to offer. I know that I value people that come into my life. Sometimes I don’t always tell people enough or seems that I don’t show that I care but I do. So again, I am sorry for being distant but know that I value your presence in my life.

I want to end my blog on a positive note though. I am making goals for myself for 2011. Everyone waits until last minute to set huge goals but I want to start now. Start small and move forward.

Benjamin’s 2011 Goals

• Hike more often. Once a month go hiking or camping or backpacking. Before the end of the 2011 year, return to Grand Canyon for a Rim-to-Rim hike.
• Go Skydiving.
• Enroll in School full time to finish my degree.
• White water rafting with friends and camp in the woods.
• Perform. Sing something for others and/or join a play.
• Start playing soccer again and get my referring license renewed.
• Get to the gym and begin a workout schedule 3 times a week at least.
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter.
• Make it back to Indiana for 45^th Anniversary Show.
• Take more pictures. Find beauty in common places and hidden in everyday life.
• Continue to be a good person. Love life and Enjoy!