Living in the Darkness…

Living in the Darkness…

Everyone talks about the new hope and the joy in the New Year. It’s a time for people to make resolution and changes. The problem is that the change only lasts for a few weeks or month if we are lucky. In order to find the success it is a battle and it making it an everyday routine.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine. I was given an opportunity to interview at the new Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. I noticed it being advertised on a hospitality career website and thought it wouldn’t hurt to apply. To my surprise, I received an email asking me to fill out a survey. I did and then received an invitation to come out and interview in person. I jumped at the chance and figured I could use a break from work.

I stayed at another property close to the hotel and went in for an interview which turned out to be a group interview. After leaving the interview I was pulled aside and asked to return for a second interview. I agreed and came back the next day. I thought that I was on point and it seemed like they were very interested.
After talking to people who work in the industry in Las Vegas I thought that I had a great chance. I even took the night off and went out with some new friends and had a wonderful time. I left the following day and headed back to Sacramento. It was New Years Eve and I was going to work the graveyard shift. I was ready for a long weekend and after getting little rest in Vegas I was still running on the hope of a new opportunity.

New Years Eve turned out to be one of the most eventful nights at work. With a fight that landed one in the hospital and three more injured, it was anything but a slow night. I agreed to work both nights at night audit since we were short staffed and I figured it was my penitence for leaving and going to interview.
Since that night, I have not had a day off work. Working the graveyard shift and not seeing much of 2011. It seems that everyday I get off work and head home to an apartment that looks like a disaster area. I have no energy to do anything when I get off work. I have so much to do but yet nothing is getting accomplished.
I need to take care of myself. That includes taking care of my place and belongings. I am looking forward to seeing the sunshine. I want to go out and do something fun. I want to have a social life again. I want to have something to look forward to.

I contacted the hotel with a thank you email and hoped that it would prompt an email back with new of another interview; instead I got a stock email that said they were moving forward with other candidates. It wasn’t my time.

There is something bigger and better out there for me and I just need to focus on what I have in front of me. I have a job that is stable. While at the moment, it’s not enjoyable like it should be, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I have never let myself settle. I always push and drive to better myself and push myself. This is just one more chance to see what I am capable of. Another opportunity that is part of a larger plan and path is just awaiting me. I have found taking an optimistic view provides growth. I could lull and be upset but instead I am finding the silver lining.

Looking back on last year, it was rough. There were some great times and wonderful memories. There were a lot of highs but also a lot of lows. Most would have been looking at the New Year and cursing the old. I look at last year as a turning point. I started living life. I learned that I can do just about anything and the value of friendships.

Living alone use to scare me. I find it peaceful. While I enjoy taking trips alone and getting to explore places on my own, I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss having someone to share my adventures with. I was very fortunate to travel all over the US this year and I look forward to expanding that this year. I want to get out of the US at least once before 2012.

So I guess there is something to look forward to while living in the darkness. This year I am going to try even more new things. Live life and explore the world. Most importantly I need to take care of myself. I am going to finally get to the dentist for the first time in over a decade, start cooking more, and get to the gym. Its not because it is a new year, it’s because I am still becoming a new me. I have only scratched the surface.

And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.

Cry...

Cry…

There are many things in life that I wish I had been told when I was younger and growing up. I found a quote a long time ago and it has stuck with me since I remember reading it. Everyone strives to live a normal life. There is no normal life, just life.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t try so hard to fit in or try to be what everyone thought that I should be. Life is so much easier when you are true to yourself and follow your own drummer.

I have never been one to follow trends when it comes to living life. Yes there are some trends that I did hop on the bandwagon. I had a Virtual Pet Key chain. I remember having my mom help me keep it alive and having so many that it was always going off at all hours of the night. I also had a Furby or two… Still do in my room back in Indiana. I also collected Beanie Babies. I would go places and hunt out the new one or try to find an older one or one that was irregular. Never sold a single one so now I have them in a storage unit at home. So yeah there are times where I jumped on the bandwagon and joining in on the trends.

One thing I was always told though was to be myself. I thought of myself as someone very unique and special. No one was like me and I was ok with that. The problem was that it took me a long time to discover what it meant to be myself. I hid the bad parts of my life. Buried feelings and emotions to people and lived a double life. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to live one life. An honest and forthcoming one. One that I would be proud to talk about.

I know that people have been a little worried by my status and I have been a very distant to a lot of people. I know that I fell off the face of the world for a few days but I just needed to shut down. I am sorry for the plans that I broke and standing up the people that care about me and who I value. I am sorry and hope that you can understand that I wasn’t ready to explain why I needed a break and couldn’t justify just saying I’m sorry I need to be alone.

I have been down and slightly depressed. I had a great time over Halloween and worked some crazy hours had a blast out at the bar but something just didn’t feel right. If you have ever just felt numb you know what I am talking about. I went to work the next day and felt out of place. Almost like I was just on autopilot. Some of the co-workers who know me the best could see that I wasn’t who I normally was. It was strange. My body was sore and I felt like I was still in a daze. I chalked it up to a wild night, and if I got some rest I would feel fine.

Unfortunately even with hours and hours of sleep I woke the following day to the same feelings. I felt gross and felt like something was off. I had been fighting a cold but it wasn’t that I was sick. It was a strange sensation that I don’t know how to describe other than it wasn’t me.

I took SAM out and drove and let my mind take a mental break. I know it sounds dangerous but I assure you that I was driving defensively but find that it helps clear my head and allows me to just get back to a healthy place.

Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. I would of picked up the phone called him and wished him a happy birthday and we would of talked about the weather how it was getting cold back in Indiana. He’d tell me about the trips he would take on the bus to Chicago. Maybe even that he had seen a show and critique it. That would of happened today but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I saw something tonight that I haven’t seen in years. I was driving and saw a shooting star, not just one out of the corner of my eye but one that seemed to last longer than normal. I watched it change from the yellow to the green and the tail drag across the sky. Just like a little kid I thought that I was lucky and I wanted to make a wish. Normally I would think of something that I wanted for myself or something good to happen. Not tonight. The only thing I said was this one is for you dad.  I hope you found some happiness where you are. I started to tear up while driving and shortly after my iPod played “On Eagles Wings.”  My dad’s favorite hymn. It just seemed fitting and I found myself singing and letting the tears roll down my face.

Sometime you need to cry. You don’t have to be strong and hide emotions. It made me find peace and a way to take just a few moments to reflect back on the good times. The things that matter to me and the fact that I am growing up and want to be a good person. I know that I still have my flaws and have a lot of work left to better myself. But tonight some how I felt like that my dad was there with me and just gave me a reminder that there is always someone looking after me. I know he is proud of the person that I am. It’s time for me to feel the same way.

Life is never easy. There is no normal life. There is unexpected ditches in the road and yes you keep moving on. You make mistakes and you stumble and fall. Even when you think you have it all together, there is always something waiting. It’s sometimes good, sometimes not. I don’t know what life has in store for me or where the paths are going to lead.

So to those who are asking if I am ok? Yes. I am going to fine and I just had a rough time in the road where I needed to step away from the world around me and find some inter-peace. I needed a moment disconnected from everything. Those I have hurt or the ones that I left in the dark again, I am sorry and know that I am still learning to tell others that I need time for myself. 

I know it’s not always easy to be my friend, to stand by me when I make mistakes. I am not the best at making plans, getting off work on time, getting out of the house quickly, and I am sure the list goes on and on. While I have my flaws, I learned something about myself. I am a good person. I have a lot to offer. I know that I value people that come into my life. Sometimes I don’t always tell people enough or seems that I don’t show that I care but I do. So again, I am sorry for being distant but know that I value your presence in my life.

I want to end my blog on a positive note though. I am making goals for myself for 2011. Everyone waits until last minute to set huge goals but I want to start now. Start small and move forward.

Benjamin’s 2011 Goals

• Hike more often. Once a month go hiking or camping or backpacking. Before the end of the 2011 year, return to Grand Canyon for a Rim-to-Rim hike.
• Go Skydiving.
• Enroll in School full time to finish my degree.
• White water rafting with friends and camp in the woods.
• Perform. Sing something for others and/or join a play.
• Start playing soccer again and get my referring license renewed.
• Get to the gym and begin a workout schedule 3 times a week at least.
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter.
• Make it back to Indiana for 45^th Anniversary Show.
• Take more pictures. Find beauty in common places and hidden in everyday life.
• Continue to be a good person. Love life and Enjoy! 

Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…   

This is the beginning...

So this will be a short blog since i am sitting at the Sacramento Airport just waiting for the plane to start to board. It seems almost unreal that I am going to be leaving here for over a weak and making the trip back to Sacramento through all of those places and seen so much.  When asked if I am scared, I would say yes. This is a big deal for me and for moving forward. I am going to be doing something alone and for myself. Stopping when I want to stop and doing what I want to do and see. Its scary but also exciting. Its almost like an adrenaline rush that makes me want to do it even more.

So this begins the journey and the adventure. One flight out of three. I have a couple of longer layovers that will sure to invoke a blog or a short Facebook posting. I hope that I will be able to sleep on this plane ride since i was up all night getting ready and just the nerves and the excitement. So I'll be back in Indiana soon....

Until then,

LATER DAYS!
 

Close My Eyes

Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and make everything go away. Today at work, I find my mind wondering. Thoughts and ideas going through my mind like a flash of a camera flashbulb. Last week I was with a good friend at dinner and I sat there and just looked up from the food and for the first time I spoke, “I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.” It’s strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I have been so co-dependant for years that I never have had the freedoms or the ability to responsible for myself. This has been such an adventure that I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to find yourself almost 25 years later. I find that when I come home at night after work. I grab my mail and sit on the table and look out the window and just decompress from the day. It was hard at first to not have someone to talk to when I get home but as time goes by, I find myself not missing things that I once had.




I have some great people that are around me and I am very fortunate to find those people. I find myself getting reminded that I still have a lot of work ahead of me and lots of learning and healing to do. Different times and in different state of mind, things would be much different, though I am happy where I am at the moment. It’s living in that moment that scares me sometimes. It’s when you think about the future and try to anticipate the next move. That unfortunately is never the case. It will always change and all I can do it gather up the tools and the resources to carry with me. I am always reminded to tread the waters carefully and keep a mindful eye on the heart on my sleeve. Someday when the timing is right and when I am ready, love will happen. It’s not something to be forced or to be rushed.



One Step at the time.
There is a reward at the top full of beauty.
Just one more step and one foot infront of the other.



I have been going out for the last few weekends and it’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to be alone in a bar. I sometime find myself just finding a place and staying put for a few minutes to process everything around me. I am finding it easier to take the first step and just saying hello to people. It’s getting over that first step to find out so much about people. When I am out with friends, it’s so much easier to get introduced then to walk up to someone and introduce myself. It’s slow but happening more and more. I have to admit that I always run into at least someone I know.



While it’s nice to have that, I also have had to deal with the past when I am out. I had someone come up to me this weekend and told me that they recognized me and that we had talked in the past. He then said yeah you had a boyfriend and some friends said that you were cheating. I just looked at him and said I was single and that’s not the real person I am, and if you want to get to know me for more than that, I’m always up for a chat and grabbed my water and told him to keep that in mind and he just smiled and I walked away.



I know that I am going to run into that from time to time, but it’s taking a different approach and taking a higher road and something more respectable. I know that there are many people who will always see me in a negative light and that is unfortunate for them. I have a lot to offer and continue to try to better myself everyday. I have my faults but I also know that its time for me to show people who I am and what I really capable of everyday.



So on a lighter note, well somewhat lighter. The trip begins in only 10 more days. For the next week and half, I am going to be hitting the gym everyday to try to get buff and also to help clear my mind. I find that I am able to just zone out the world around me when I am running. I am going to really focus on the weight lifting and the chest, arms, and back these next two weeks. It’s so foreign to me but I have been doing my homework and getting some great workout tips from men’s health and through some friends.

There is beauty in the crash of a waves.
Each one is different and never the same.
Always coming back for more the ocean never stops.

Going to the gym when there is no one pushing you or having anyone to go with is very hard. There is so much strength in numbers and learning that through this. It’s always to blend into the crowd but its more rewarding leading the crowd and doing it for yourself. I use to be so scared to be getting the small weights at the gym to start my sets’ but I figure that it’s a process. You can’t just jump into the large weights unless you want to get hurt. I guess it’s very symbolic of relationships for me. While I know that I can go and lift the 100lbs, there is no reason to do that and get hurt and have to go back to lower weight. I keep my eye on the goal of being able to bench it but know there is no reason to fear it until I am ready to get to the 20lbs then 25lbs. It’s a process… and taking it everyday and each rep as a challenge to push myself and know that someday I can look back and see where I have been.



I am slightly nervous about everything when I get home. It seems like every time when I am in Indiana, it starts to feel like less and less of home. Things become distant memories and each time I find myself thinking that I am growing away from the place. It has a place in my heart but no longer my home. It’s just a place of memories. I know that this will be very short time spent actually in Indiana. I am looking at just two days before heading out on this trip that will sure to have so many memories and eventful times.



I am hoping to video blog about it and have some pretty amazing pictures to share with everyone on the trip. This is a new beginning and something that will test myself and an opportunity to be comfortable with me. Just me, my iPhone, iPod, and SAM. SAM is the name of the car in honor of my dad. Steven Anthony Mangona. This is a road trip to find peace in it all and the closure I need to move forward.



This may be the most documented trip of my life. I have my video camera, two digital cameras, my iPhone, and my Computer. I plan on using it all when I am traveling. One thing that I also am doing when I am home is posing for a friend. I have not had my picture taken professionally since I was senior in high school. I was hoping to me in much better shape then what I am in at the moment but still am down a lot of weight since before the breakup. I hope this week to just get a little more of the way to where I want to me. I am excited and scared but know they are going to turn out amazing; it will be good to be comfortable again with me. This trip is about bettering Benjamin. That’s the goal. Getting back to Sacramento and know who I am, and feel good about the person I am. I am already on the path just an always ongoing forward moving trail.



So there is a lot on my mind. I got so many fears but know that it will be calmed when I am on the plane heading home and finding that inner-peace on the interstate.



Next Adventure after the road trip… Skydiving. More to come later. One adventure at a time….

...see the new day dawn

Happy Labor Day,




I guess with the little bit of downtime, I wanted to get a blog out and just take an inventory of where I am. It’s been a few months and things have calmed down to a certain extent. As far as work, things have been going pretty good. We are in the process of hiring new staff. This month we will be adding about 5 new staff members and it will be nice to get some fresh blood in the hotel and maybe shake up a few things. We are heading on company outing this week to explore the underground Old Sacramento. It will be nice change to get everyone away from the hotel for just a few hours.



My apartment is slowly coming together. I have had some great people that have helped me gather things and items for the apartment. I have a couch and a love seat and just acquired a new bar table and chairs. It’s actually very nice to sit and eat breakfast or dinner and look out over the street and people watch. I haven’t hung anything up on the walls but my goal is to use pictures from the road trip to decorate my apartment. I do want to get a new bed soon as well. I refer to my bed as a racecar bed because it does have wheels on it because it’s a rollaway. I am hoping to get a few big items for my self after thanksgiving. I want to conquer black Friday.



I have been hit and miss on working out. I had a few of really good weeks where I was making it to the gym about 4-5 times a week. I have been a little spottier with work and the holiday and having some issues with my foot from my bike. I was talking to a good friend and decided that I need to get to road running and attempt a mini marathon. I was looking online and found a few 5Ks and 10Ks that would help train me for a half. It would be a lot of hard work but I think that it would help clear my head and get me back into the swing of things. This week I need to step it up and going to hit it hard, within reason of course, but get a few really good workouts before heading home.



Mentally, I am doing actually really well. I have had some really mentally straining events over the last week, but I think that I am handling it well. I got some great people in my life right now. It’s scary when I go out and hope that I will run into people that I know and that I will have a good time. It’s the biggest challenge for me to just go out and talk to new people. It’s a hurdle I am trying to still get over. As outgoing and friendly person as I am most of the time. I get into situations and it’s hard for me to get the courage to talk to new people. It’s a work in progress but something that with time will get much easier. Take a challenge and face it and make a goal. I try to at least talk to one new person every time I go out. And more than just a “hey, how are you,” but a real conversation.



Dating and Relationships… This one is a tricky one. I know that I am trying to make sure that take things slow and just enjoy the moments. I don’t want to rush into something but I am really enjoying getting to know people and find myself smiling a lot more lately. Just living each day and taking it day by day. As far as other relationships, I am glad to have some great friendships with people close and far from me. I found that I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and made some of those old ties even stronger. Its nice to have people who have known me for years but distance makes it hard, but also nice to get a hug when you really need it from new friends that I hope to keep with me for a very long time.



I guess this would be the same area to talk about family. I haven’t been in touch as much as I was in the past with my family. I know that I should pick up the phone and call more often, but I do check-in from time to time. This whole estate has been a lot of stress on my family. I know that I haven’t really been there to help out, but know that there isn’t much that I can do and the less hands in the cookie jar the easier it will be. For me I was hoping to come home in October and it all been done and then we can move on from there. It doesn’t look like that will happen but I just want to have that burden lifted off my shoulders and shoulders of the family. It made me realize how important having a Will and keeping it updated. The moment I buy a house and have property I would get one in place incase of the unforeseen to make sure that I looked out for the people around me.



So I am much stronger person for everything that happened. I have closed the door on a lot of loose ends and continue to do so everyday. One battle and one demon at a time until the clutter is removed. This month I will be getting my medical and dental arranged and know that there is some work to be done. It won’t be a fun road and going to the dentist after over 10 years, I am not looking forward to the outcome, but I know it’s needed and who knows, maybe ill get some laughing gas out of the situation.



Fears left at the door, regretting none, I move forward. More humble and sometimes shaky I know that I am moving onward. It’s been an adventure and more is still yet to be written. I look forward to what life has to offer and seeing things in a new light.



“And when the night has finally gone.

And when we see the new day dawn.

We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.

The wasted world we thought we knew,

The light will make it look brand new.



Light- Next to Normal

Goals and Desires

Goals and Desires

For a short moment I though that I was going to call it an early night and get to bed early. It’s funny though when you are laying in bed and thoughts just begin to run through your head that you can’t close your eyes hard enough to make it slow down. I began to think about so many different things. One of those things was my future.

Now I know there is much truth in living in the moment. I myself am learning to do this more and more everyday. It’s hard to let the reins go and just let life happen. I think that is a very important part of life. Going on a shopping trip for one things and ending up with something complete different. That is what life is about. Its taking the moments and smiling because as much as you want to think you know where and what you want, life has its ways of giving you what you need.

I never thought by the time I was 24 years old, I would have lived in Hawaii and now calling California my home. But again, life happens right? I am not sad for the hardships or hold grudges on the people of my past. Rather, I move forward with something new and different outlook on things. I never knew my strength until I was tested. It would be easy to give up and throw in the towel, but that is not me at all. I have run from fears and hid behind masks. It’s a new life now though. I find myself thinking about things that I want in life more and more each day.

While I am moving forward, I am still trying to finish things from my past. One of the most important things for me to finish now is school. No more excuses for not finishing. It’s not going to be easy. I know that going into it, but know it will be worth it in the end. I have decided that I will be doing just a few classes at the community college in January and then go to full time status the following semester. It is my goal to be enrolled in Sac State the following year and finishing up my degree. One step at a time and day by day…

When it comes to my career I can say that I am not sure where it will lead me. There options are endless. I want to continue to push onward and move back up the ladder. I am going to put in my time doing the hard shifts now and make the sacrifices so that someday in the near future I will have the freedom to do more, not only at work but also outside work. Ultimately I would love to take over a large full service hotel and also try my hand with luxury hotels and resorts but that will come with time.

Being gay, I have been asked how I feel about marriage and kids. It’s an easy answer for me. I can tell you that yes, I want to be married and have kids. Most people dream about their wedding and I can say that even I have thought about what kind of wedding I would want and also some of the details for the big day. A couple of thing about the wedding I can say that I want stargazer lilies and Casablanca Lilies. I have always loved the look of the stargazers and the smell of the Casablanca lilies is heavenly. It also will be very formal of a wedding. I know that I want something that will be unforgettable and in true Ben fashion something of a spectacle.

The rest of the wedding is very much depending on guy that I end up giving my hand to and pledging to spend the rest of my life with. I think between the two of us the rest of that day will just fall into place and be something that people could only dream of.

On the issue of children, something that many people don’t know about me is that when I started college my original major was pre-medicine and I wanted to work as an ER doctor in a children’s hospital. I have always wanted children. I loved teaching the Half-note kids in show choir and helping coaching the younger kids in soccer. There is something special and magical about a child’s smile and the quest for discovery. I remember how amazing it was to have Jordin, my first nephew born. I loved him and knew from that moment on that someday I would love to give love to a child and give him an environment to learn and grow and take those lessons and conquer the world.

Now there is a big hurdle when it comes to children between two men. I have always thought that I would adopt a child. It would be a second chance at life for a child. I could never imagine paying someone to carry a child when there are so many children that are in need of loving families and who want some to love them. I would be honored and humbled to bring someone in and give him or her love in a way that will help them grow. Someday there will be someone will be calling me Dad and who I will be there for forever.

On a lighter note, I would also love get back to the basic of things that really makes me happy. I miss two things in my life. Soccer and Theater. Both are things that I plan on working on this year. I want to get my refereeing licenses again, and also join an open league in the spring. I am hoping to get in much better shape before then and so when I step back on the field I won’t feel like I am going to die from exhaustion.  Who knows if I still got it in me but there is only one way to find out. I am pretty sure that refereeing will come back to me like riding a bike. I enjoy that moment on the field and being part of the game. It helps develop sportsmanship when you play and respect for what they do. If you ever think that they are doing a bad job then get on the field and give it ago.

In regards to theater and singing, I would love to get back on the stage and do a show or two. I miss the feeling of a spotlight following you and the lights that seem to create a glow that my skin just soaks up. There is something magical about theater. Acting provides the ability to be someone else for a moment and live a role that is used to tell a story. The thrill of live theater is something that is unmatched and a high that I can’t even begin to describe.  It’s a big part of my life and something that I have but on the backburner for long enough.

So there is an insight on a few of my goals and desires in life. I just was singing this song this week and I think that I agree with the lyrics. Bonus points awarded if you know this song and the movie it comes from!

Open up your eyes, take a look at me

Get the picture fixed in your memory

I'm driven by the rhythm like the beat of a heart

And I won't stop until I start

To stand out

To stand out

Some people settle for the typical thing

Livin' all their lives waiting in the wings

It ain't a question of "if", just a matter of time

Before I move to the front of the line

Once you're watching every move that I make

You gotta believe that I got what it takes

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If the sqeeky wheel's always gettin' the grease

I'm totally devoted to disturbing the peace

And I'll do it all again, when I get done

Until I become your number one

No method to the madness, and no means of escape

Gonna break every rule or bend them all outta shape

It ain't a question of "how", just a matter of when

You get the message that I'm tryin' to send

I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head

And you know I'm going all the way to the end

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If I could make you stop and take a look at me

instead of just, walkin' by

There's nothin that

I wouldn't do if it was gettin' you to notice

I'm alive

All I need is half a chance,

a second thought, a second glance

To prove, I got whatever it takes

It's a piece of cake

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna, stand out, staaaand out

Stand out!

ya, ya, ya, ya,

Stand out!

(hmph.)

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out

'Til ya notice me