Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…   

Close My Eyes

Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and make everything go away. Today at work, I find my mind wondering. Thoughts and ideas going through my mind like a flash of a camera flashbulb. Last week I was with a good friend at dinner and I sat there and just looked up from the food and for the first time I spoke, “I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.” It’s strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I have been so co-dependant for years that I never have had the freedoms or the ability to responsible for myself. This has been such an adventure that I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to find yourself almost 25 years later. I find that when I come home at night after work. I grab my mail and sit on the table and look out the window and just decompress from the day. It was hard at first to not have someone to talk to when I get home but as time goes by, I find myself not missing things that I once had.




I have some great people that are around me and I am very fortunate to find those people. I find myself getting reminded that I still have a lot of work ahead of me and lots of learning and healing to do. Different times and in different state of mind, things would be much different, though I am happy where I am at the moment. It’s living in that moment that scares me sometimes. It’s when you think about the future and try to anticipate the next move. That unfortunately is never the case. It will always change and all I can do it gather up the tools and the resources to carry with me. I am always reminded to tread the waters carefully and keep a mindful eye on the heart on my sleeve. Someday when the timing is right and when I am ready, love will happen. It’s not something to be forced or to be rushed.



One Step at the time.
There is a reward at the top full of beauty.
Just one more step and one foot infront of the other.



I have been going out for the last few weekends and it’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to be alone in a bar. I sometime find myself just finding a place and staying put for a few minutes to process everything around me. I am finding it easier to take the first step and just saying hello to people. It’s getting over that first step to find out so much about people. When I am out with friends, it’s so much easier to get introduced then to walk up to someone and introduce myself. It’s slow but happening more and more. I have to admit that I always run into at least someone I know.



While it’s nice to have that, I also have had to deal with the past when I am out. I had someone come up to me this weekend and told me that they recognized me and that we had talked in the past. He then said yeah you had a boyfriend and some friends said that you were cheating. I just looked at him and said I was single and that’s not the real person I am, and if you want to get to know me for more than that, I’m always up for a chat and grabbed my water and told him to keep that in mind and he just smiled and I walked away.



I know that I am going to run into that from time to time, but it’s taking a different approach and taking a higher road and something more respectable. I know that there are many people who will always see me in a negative light and that is unfortunate for them. I have a lot to offer and continue to try to better myself everyday. I have my faults but I also know that its time for me to show people who I am and what I really capable of everyday.



So on a lighter note, well somewhat lighter. The trip begins in only 10 more days. For the next week and half, I am going to be hitting the gym everyday to try to get buff and also to help clear my mind. I find that I am able to just zone out the world around me when I am running. I am going to really focus on the weight lifting and the chest, arms, and back these next two weeks. It’s so foreign to me but I have been doing my homework and getting some great workout tips from men’s health and through some friends.

There is beauty in the crash of a waves.
Each one is different and never the same.
Always coming back for more the ocean never stops.

Going to the gym when there is no one pushing you or having anyone to go with is very hard. There is so much strength in numbers and learning that through this. It’s always to blend into the crowd but its more rewarding leading the crowd and doing it for yourself. I use to be so scared to be getting the small weights at the gym to start my sets’ but I figure that it’s a process. You can’t just jump into the large weights unless you want to get hurt. I guess it’s very symbolic of relationships for me. While I know that I can go and lift the 100lbs, there is no reason to do that and get hurt and have to go back to lower weight. I keep my eye on the goal of being able to bench it but know there is no reason to fear it until I am ready to get to the 20lbs then 25lbs. It’s a process… and taking it everyday and each rep as a challenge to push myself and know that someday I can look back and see where I have been.



I am slightly nervous about everything when I get home. It seems like every time when I am in Indiana, it starts to feel like less and less of home. Things become distant memories and each time I find myself thinking that I am growing away from the place. It has a place in my heart but no longer my home. It’s just a place of memories. I know that this will be very short time spent actually in Indiana. I am looking at just two days before heading out on this trip that will sure to have so many memories and eventful times.



I am hoping to video blog about it and have some pretty amazing pictures to share with everyone on the trip. This is a new beginning and something that will test myself and an opportunity to be comfortable with me. Just me, my iPhone, iPod, and SAM. SAM is the name of the car in honor of my dad. Steven Anthony Mangona. This is a road trip to find peace in it all and the closure I need to move forward.



This may be the most documented trip of my life. I have my video camera, two digital cameras, my iPhone, and my Computer. I plan on using it all when I am traveling. One thing that I also am doing when I am home is posing for a friend. I have not had my picture taken professionally since I was senior in high school. I was hoping to me in much better shape then what I am in at the moment but still am down a lot of weight since before the breakup. I hope this week to just get a little more of the way to where I want to me. I am excited and scared but know they are going to turn out amazing; it will be good to be comfortable again with me. This trip is about bettering Benjamin. That’s the goal. Getting back to Sacramento and know who I am, and feel good about the person I am. I am already on the path just an always ongoing forward moving trail.



So there is a lot on my mind. I got so many fears but know that it will be calmed when I am on the plane heading home and finding that inner-peace on the interstate.



Next Adventure after the road trip… Skydiving. More to come later. One adventure at a time….

Goals and Desires

Goals and Desires

For a short moment I though that I was going to call it an early night and get to bed early. It’s funny though when you are laying in bed and thoughts just begin to run through your head that you can’t close your eyes hard enough to make it slow down. I began to think about so many different things. One of those things was my future.

Now I know there is much truth in living in the moment. I myself am learning to do this more and more everyday. It’s hard to let the reins go and just let life happen. I think that is a very important part of life. Going on a shopping trip for one things and ending up with something complete different. That is what life is about. Its taking the moments and smiling because as much as you want to think you know where and what you want, life has its ways of giving you what you need.

I never thought by the time I was 24 years old, I would have lived in Hawaii and now calling California my home. But again, life happens right? I am not sad for the hardships or hold grudges on the people of my past. Rather, I move forward with something new and different outlook on things. I never knew my strength until I was tested. It would be easy to give up and throw in the towel, but that is not me at all. I have run from fears and hid behind masks. It’s a new life now though. I find myself thinking about things that I want in life more and more each day.

While I am moving forward, I am still trying to finish things from my past. One of the most important things for me to finish now is school. No more excuses for not finishing. It’s not going to be easy. I know that going into it, but know it will be worth it in the end. I have decided that I will be doing just a few classes at the community college in January and then go to full time status the following semester. It is my goal to be enrolled in Sac State the following year and finishing up my degree. One step at a time and day by day…

When it comes to my career I can say that I am not sure where it will lead me. There options are endless. I want to continue to push onward and move back up the ladder. I am going to put in my time doing the hard shifts now and make the sacrifices so that someday in the near future I will have the freedom to do more, not only at work but also outside work. Ultimately I would love to take over a large full service hotel and also try my hand with luxury hotels and resorts but that will come with time.

Being gay, I have been asked how I feel about marriage and kids. It’s an easy answer for me. I can tell you that yes, I want to be married and have kids. Most people dream about their wedding and I can say that even I have thought about what kind of wedding I would want and also some of the details for the big day. A couple of thing about the wedding I can say that I want stargazer lilies and Casablanca Lilies. I have always loved the look of the stargazers and the smell of the Casablanca lilies is heavenly. It also will be very formal of a wedding. I know that I want something that will be unforgettable and in true Ben fashion something of a spectacle.

The rest of the wedding is very much depending on guy that I end up giving my hand to and pledging to spend the rest of my life with. I think between the two of us the rest of that day will just fall into place and be something that people could only dream of.

On the issue of children, something that many people don’t know about me is that when I started college my original major was pre-medicine and I wanted to work as an ER doctor in a children’s hospital. I have always wanted children. I loved teaching the Half-note kids in show choir and helping coaching the younger kids in soccer. There is something special and magical about a child’s smile and the quest for discovery. I remember how amazing it was to have Jordin, my first nephew born. I loved him and knew from that moment on that someday I would love to give love to a child and give him an environment to learn and grow and take those lessons and conquer the world.

Now there is a big hurdle when it comes to children between two men. I have always thought that I would adopt a child. It would be a second chance at life for a child. I could never imagine paying someone to carry a child when there are so many children that are in need of loving families and who want some to love them. I would be honored and humbled to bring someone in and give him or her love in a way that will help them grow. Someday there will be someone will be calling me Dad and who I will be there for forever.

On a lighter note, I would also love get back to the basic of things that really makes me happy. I miss two things in my life. Soccer and Theater. Both are things that I plan on working on this year. I want to get my refereeing licenses again, and also join an open league in the spring. I am hoping to get in much better shape before then and so when I step back on the field I won’t feel like I am going to die from exhaustion.  Who knows if I still got it in me but there is only one way to find out. I am pretty sure that refereeing will come back to me like riding a bike. I enjoy that moment on the field and being part of the game. It helps develop sportsmanship when you play and respect for what they do. If you ever think that they are doing a bad job then get on the field and give it ago.

In regards to theater and singing, I would love to get back on the stage and do a show or two. I miss the feeling of a spotlight following you and the lights that seem to create a glow that my skin just soaks up. There is something magical about theater. Acting provides the ability to be someone else for a moment and live a role that is used to tell a story. The thrill of live theater is something that is unmatched and a high that I can’t even begin to describe.  It’s a big part of my life and something that I have but on the backburner for long enough.

So there is an insight on a few of my goals and desires in life. I just was singing this song this week and I think that I agree with the lyrics. Bonus points awarded if you know this song and the movie it comes from!

Open up your eyes, take a look at me

Get the picture fixed in your memory

I'm driven by the rhythm like the beat of a heart

And I won't stop until I start

To stand out

To stand out

Some people settle for the typical thing

Livin' all their lives waiting in the wings

It ain't a question of "if", just a matter of time

Before I move to the front of the line

Once you're watching every move that I make

You gotta believe that I got what it takes

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If the sqeeky wheel's always gettin' the grease

I'm totally devoted to disturbing the peace

And I'll do it all again, when I get done

Until I become your number one

No method to the madness, and no means of escape

Gonna break every rule or bend them all outta shape

It ain't a question of "how", just a matter of when

You get the message that I'm tryin' to send

I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head

And you know I'm going all the way to the end

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If I could make you stop and take a look at me

instead of just, walkin' by

There's nothin that

I wouldn't do if it was gettin' you to notice

I'm alive

All I need is half a chance,

a second thought, a second glance

To prove, I got whatever it takes

It's a piece of cake

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna, stand out, staaaand out

Stand out!

ya, ya, ya, ya,

Stand out!

(hmph.)

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out

'Til ya notice me