Goals and Desires

Goals and Desires

For a short moment I though that I was going to call it an early night and get to bed early. It’s funny though when you are laying in bed and thoughts just begin to run through your head that you can’t close your eyes hard enough to make it slow down. I began to think about so many different things. One of those things was my future.

Now I know there is much truth in living in the moment. I myself am learning to do this more and more everyday. It’s hard to let the reins go and just let life happen. I think that is a very important part of life. Going on a shopping trip for one things and ending up with something complete different. That is what life is about. Its taking the moments and smiling because as much as you want to think you know where and what you want, life has its ways of giving you what you need.

I never thought by the time I was 24 years old, I would have lived in Hawaii and now calling California my home. But again, life happens right? I am not sad for the hardships or hold grudges on the people of my past. Rather, I move forward with something new and different outlook on things. I never knew my strength until I was tested. It would be easy to give up and throw in the towel, but that is not me at all. I have run from fears and hid behind masks. It’s a new life now though. I find myself thinking about things that I want in life more and more each day.

While I am moving forward, I am still trying to finish things from my past. One of the most important things for me to finish now is school. No more excuses for not finishing. It’s not going to be easy. I know that going into it, but know it will be worth it in the end. I have decided that I will be doing just a few classes at the community college in January and then go to full time status the following semester. It is my goal to be enrolled in Sac State the following year and finishing up my degree. One step at a time and day by day…

When it comes to my career I can say that I am not sure where it will lead me. There options are endless. I want to continue to push onward and move back up the ladder. I am going to put in my time doing the hard shifts now and make the sacrifices so that someday in the near future I will have the freedom to do more, not only at work but also outside work. Ultimately I would love to take over a large full service hotel and also try my hand with luxury hotels and resorts but that will come with time.

Being gay, I have been asked how I feel about marriage and kids. It’s an easy answer for me. I can tell you that yes, I want to be married and have kids. Most people dream about their wedding and I can say that even I have thought about what kind of wedding I would want and also some of the details for the big day. A couple of thing about the wedding I can say that I want stargazer lilies and Casablanca Lilies. I have always loved the look of the stargazers and the smell of the Casablanca lilies is heavenly. It also will be very formal of a wedding. I know that I want something that will be unforgettable and in true Ben fashion something of a spectacle.

The rest of the wedding is very much depending on guy that I end up giving my hand to and pledging to spend the rest of my life with. I think between the two of us the rest of that day will just fall into place and be something that people could only dream of.

On the issue of children, something that many people don’t know about me is that when I started college my original major was pre-medicine and I wanted to work as an ER doctor in a children’s hospital. I have always wanted children. I loved teaching the Half-note kids in show choir and helping coaching the younger kids in soccer. There is something special and magical about a child’s smile and the quest for discovery. I remember how amazing it was to have Jordin, my first nephew born. I loved him and knew from that moment on that someday I would love to give love to a child and give him an environment to learn and grow and take those lessons and conquer the world.

Now there is a big hurdle when it comes to children between two men. I have always thought that I would adopt a child. It would be a second chance at life for a child. I could never imagine paying someone to carry a child when there are so many children that are in need of loving families and who want some to love them. I would be honored and humbled to bring someone in and give him or her love in a way that will help them grow. Someday there will be someone will be calling me Dad and who I will be there for forever.

On a lighter note, I would also love get back to the basic of things that really makes me happy. I miss two things in my life. Soccer and Theater. Both are things that I plan on working on this year. I want to get my refereeing licenses again, and also join an open league in the spring. I am hoping to get in much better shape before then and so when I step back on the field I won’t feel like I am going to die from exhaustion.  Who knows if I still got it in me but there is only one way to find out. I am pretty sure that refereeing will come back to me like riding a bike. I enjoy that moment on the field and being part of the game. It helps develop sportsmanship when you play and respect for what they do. If you ever think that they are doing a bad job then get on the field and give it ago.

In regards to theater and singing, I would love to get back on the stage and do a show or two. I miss the feeling of a spotlight following you and the lights that seem to create a glow that my skin just soaks up. There is something magical about theater. Acting provides the ability to be someone else for a moment and live a role that is used to tell a story. The thrill of live theater is something that is unmatched and a high that I can’t even begin to describe.  It’s a big part of my life and something that I have but on the backburner for long enough.

So there is an insight on a few of my goals and desires in life. I just was singing this song this week and I think that I agree with the lyrics. Bonus points awarded if you know this song and the movie it comes from!

Open up your eyes, take a look at me

Get the picture fixed in your memory

I'm driven by the rhythm like the beat of a heart

And I won't stop until I start

To stand out

To stand out

Some people settle for the typical thing

Livin' all their lives waiting in the wings

It ain't a question of "if", just a matter of time

Before I move to the front of the line

Once you're watching every move that I make

You gotta believe that I got what it takes

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If the sqeeky wheel's always gettin' the grease

I'm totally devoted to disturbing the peace

And I'll do it all again, when I get done

Until I become your number one

No method to the madness, and no means of escape

Gonna break every rule or bend them all outta shape

It ain't a question of "how", just a matter of when

You get the message that I'm tryin' to send

I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head

And you know I'm going all the way to the end

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you see

Gonna stand out ...

'Til ya notice me

If I could make you stop and take a look at me

instead of just, walkin' by

There's nothin that

I wouldn't do if it was gettin' you to notice

I'm alive

All I need is half a chance,

a second thought, a second glance

To prove, I got whatever it takes

It's a piece of cake

To stand out, above the crowd

Even if I gotta shout out loud

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna, stand out, staaaand out

Stand out!

ya, ya, ya, ya,

Stand out!

(hmph.)

'Til mine is the only face you'll see

Gonna stand out

'Til ya notice me