Unwritten Moments

Taken from the Farm back in Indiana

Over the past year two years life has been anything but easy. I would say it was more of an adventure not a challenge. I am no hero; I am no star maybe just the lead in my own storybook. Sometimes it’s hard to think that there is a happy ending out there, but I know there is so much left unwritten. I tend to blog when my emotions are running high. It’s a way to release feelings, hopes, dreams, and even fear. I look back on where life has taken me and realize that there is so much more.

For those who know me, and follow my life you know the story. You have seen it unfold before your eyes. For the new ones there are plots and storylines I sometimes like to leave hidden. I made myself a promise to stop living in the shadows, behind the facades and live my life. I tend to find myself smiling a lot more. It’s not about always being happy. It sometimes is a smile for hope. I cry sometimes when I am alone. I hurt and have a wide range of emotions. It’s never about the tears because from them a smile always emerges. I miss things, I miss people, I miss moments, but relive memories. There have been good and bad but they are all apart of what makes me who I am today.

 

Life has a way of catching me off guard. It’s in those moments I am reminded of the hard times and then the moments that bring tears of joy. When I am on my road trips wither it is across the country or down to Orange County, I always seem to have a moment that I am reminded of my Dad. It’s when we talk. I turn of the radio and just tell him things as if he was my co-captain in the car.  I tell him about life and how proud of me he would be if he knew what I was doing. I guess losing him made me get even closer to him. I have never talked about my feelings about the loss to many but it still does hurt. There is still a sting when I hear a song on the iPod that reminds me of him. I guess in a way its how I found the inter-peace and the connection that we never had when he was alive.

Our relationship was anything but perfect. It was dysfunctional at best. It definitely had its ups and downs. I sometimes took it for granted. It wasn’t until I returned from Hawaii that I began to understand that we had been so stubborn and strong that we just pushed each other away for so long. It was in that short time after that we made the most of the time together and began to build something more that just a relationship of blood.  While it was cut short, it will never be forgotten. Its will live on through moments and memories. In my photos of the farm, in songs, and in snips and pieces that come and go with time, I find I am reminded of him more than ever sometimes. I did love him and know that he loved me as much in return. It was never spoken but we had a language and relationships that was ours.

Life has changed. I have changed as a person. I take the opportunities to live my life and to make the best of situations. I think of what may be ahead for me in the near future and it scares me. It’s exciting and scary all at once. A chapter is closing and new one is about to be written. I think of what I will leave behind and what is in store for me. It a new adventure and sure it won’t be easy. The best adventures aren’t the easiest rather the ones that test us and challenge us everyday.

 

I have two great dogs that I love and who love me unconditionally. They are there on nights like tonight when I need someone to hold and who are there to remind me to not sweat the small things. They are basic but with hearts as big as the messes they sometimes create. I have an apartment that is unique and filled with character. I guess there is something to be said when a building that once was left abandoned has found a new life. It really helped spark a new life and spirit in me. I have new people in my life and olds ones alike. Each person has left an imprint on my life in some way. I can never express the gratitude for my friends and family. Through the good and the bad they are always there beside me. For that I am thankful.

So this is life. It’s a chapter that is about to come to a close and another to be written. I cannot say I know what lies ahead but I know that with the people in my life, I am going to be ok. Not just ok but I am going to conquer the hurdle and the speed bumps ahead of me. While a tear or two was shed writing this, I am reminded of the memories, the magical ones, the distant ones, and the recent ones that all make me smile.

Here’s to the new adventures and the people I will meet along the way… I’m ready! 

Living in the Darkness…

Living in the Darkness…

Everyone talks about the new hope and the joy in the New Year. It’s a time for people to make resolution and changes. The problem is that the change only lasts for a few weeks or month if we are lucky. In order to find the success it is a battle and it making it an everyday routine.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine. I was given an opportunity to interview at the new Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. I noticed it being advertised on a hospitality career website and thought it wouldn’t hurt to apply. To my surprise, I received an email asking me to fill out a survey. I did and then received an invitation to come out and interview in person. I jumped at the chance and figured I could use a break from work.

I stayed at another property close to the hotel and went in for an interview which turned out to be a group interview. After leaving the interview I was pulled aside and asked to return for a second interview. I agreed and came back the next day. I thought that I was on point and it seemed like they were very interested.
After talking to people who work in the industry in Las Vegas I thought that I had a great chance. I even took the night off and went out with some new friends and had a wonderful time. I left the following day and headed back to Sacramento. It was New Years Eve and I was going to work the graveyard shift. I was ready for a long weekend and after getting little rest in Vegas I was still running on the hope of a new opportunity.

New Years Eve turned out to be one of the most eventful nights at work. With a fight that landed one in the hospital and three more injured, it was anything but a slow night. I agreed to work both nights at night audit since we were short staffed and I figured it was my penitence for leaving and going to interview.
Since that night, I have not had a day off work. Working the graveyard shift and not seeing much of 2011. It seems that everyday I get off work and head home to an apartment that looks like a disaster area. I have no energy to do anything when I get off work. I have so much to do but yet nothing is getting accomplished.
I need to take care of myself. That includes taking care of my place and belongings. I am looking forward to seeing the sunshine. I want to go out and do something fun. I want to have a social life again. I want to have something to look forward to.

I contacted the hotel with a thank you email and hoped that it would prompt an email back with new of another interview; instead I got a stock email that said they were moving forward with other candidates. It wasn’t my time.

There is something bigger and better out there for me and I just need to focus on what I have in front of me. I have a job that is stable. While at the moment, it’s not enjoyable like it should be, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I have never let myself settle. I always push and drive to better myself and push myself. This is just one more chance to see what I am capable of. Another opportunity that is part of a larger plan and path is just awaiting me. I have found taking an optimistic view provides growth. I could lull and be upset but instead I am finding the silver lining.

Looking back on last year, it was rough. There were some great times and wonderful memories. There were a lot of highs but also a lot of lows. Most would have been looking at the New Year and cursing the old. I look at last year as a turning point. I started living life. I learned that I can do just about anything and the value of friendships.

Living alone use to scare me. I find it peaceful. While I enjoy taking trips alone and getting to explore places on my own, I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss having someone to share my adventures with. I was very fortunate to travel all over the US this year and I look forward to expanding that this year. I want to get out of the US at least once before 2012.

So I guess there is something to look forward to while living in the darkness. This year I am going to try even more new things. Live life and explore the world. Most importantly I need to take care of myself. I am going to finally get to the dentist for the first time in over a decade, start cooking more, and get to the gym. Its not because it is a new year, it’s because I am still becoming a new me. I have only scratched the surface.

And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.

Growing up

Growing up…

Sometime I think about what it was like when things were easier and what life was like when you didn’t have to worry about anything except picking out the color of your backpack or what you wanted to eat for dinner. Getting into high School things were just starting to get tougher, you had to pick which college you wanted to go to that would help your career and move you forward in your life. There was so much pressure on getting into a good school and making sure you were ready to pick a degree once you got there. Then college happened and freedom and the reality of everything slowly started to sink in, that after school is done there is just life. That’s the end of the road, as we know it with training wheels.

At this point though I feel like I have skipped a lot of steps in life. I don’t remember having fun and just enjoying time with friends. I was always trying to keep everything together and make sure that my two lives were never mixing. When I look back at some of the moments that are suppose to define me, I can’t remember much about them. I wish I would of taken time to enjoy life and get to know the real person that I was keeping hidden for years.  I look back at proms and dances and they were fun at the moment but it is just a faded moment. 

 

I am at the point where I should have already been graduated from school and starting a career. Looking for a place to call home. Instead I am taking a few steps back. I guess that is true in so many ways. I had to get pulled back and have my life stop for a few moments to take count of what was going on around me.  I was very fortunate to be very successful at a young age when it comes to my career. I moved very quickly to a high position in the hotel industry in a short time at a young age. It was great opportunity and I was so sidetracked with other parts of my life that I never took the opportunity in front of me to make the most of an opportunity. I was making good money and should of used it to pay for my school and finish my degree before moving on.

It was more than just in my career. I also never took time between relationships to cope, understand and accept the person I was. I never let my self be alone because I was afraid of the person that I might be.  I was always made to believe that I was not a good person.  I wasn’t tall enough to perform, not smart enough for this, needed to work on my body, losing my hair to quickly… It was always something.  I just wanted someone to give me the attention. As of lately though all of that changed.

The road trip provided me an opportunity to get to know myself and also get comfortable with being alone. There is nothing like 5 days of traveling to put everything into check. I set out on a journey to places that I have never been. Seen things that I had only seen on TV. I was fortunate to see some of the major icons of the United States. Everyday was new adventure and something new. It was fun in a lot of ways and I saw places and set new goals for myself. One of those goals is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon. I want to take on a lot of adventures next year. I figure since I am hitting the quarter century mark, its time to stop living safe and just getting by, but going and experience what is in front of me and the opportunities that present themselves.

So where am I now? I am happy.  I am getting use to being myself and alone. Because I have learned that you are never really alone… just taking pit stops on the next adventures and learning how to better myself and become something better. It’s time to set my goals even higher and to want to achieve more. There will be many new goals for 2011. I know I though that 2010 would be the year of Ben but it turned out it was more than I could have ever imagined. It was when I found myself and start to unleash the person that has been living dormant for years.

So here is looking toward the adventures and I invite you to join me, support me, and live life with me each day… There will be ditches in the road but we keep moving…