Close My Eyes

Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and make everything go away. Today at work, I find my mind wondering. Thoughts and ideas going through my mind like a flash of a camera flashbulb. Last week I was with a good friend at dinner and I sat there and just looked up from the food and for the first time I spoke, “I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.” It’s strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I have been so co-dependant for years that I never have had the freedoms or the ability to responsible for myself. This has been such an adventure that I don’t even know how to describe what it feels like to find yourself almost 25 years later. I find that when I come home at night after work. I grab my mail and sit on the table and look out the window and just decompress from the day. It was hard at first to not have someone to talk to when I get home but as time goes by, I find myself not missing things that I once had.




I have some great people that are around me and I am very fortunate to find those people. I find myself getting reminded that I still have a lot of work ahead of me and lots of learning and healing to do. Different times and in different state of mind, things would be much different, though I am happy where I am at the moment. It’s living in that moment that scares me sometimes. It’s when you think about the future and try to anticipate the next move. That unfortunately is never the case. It will always change and all I can do it gather up the tools and the resources to carry with me. I am always reminded to tread the waters carefully and keep a mindful eye on the heart on my sleeve. Someday when the timing is right and when I am ready, love will happen. It’s not something to be forced or to be rushed.



One Step at the time.
There is a reward at the top full of beauty.
Just one more step and one foot infront of the other.



I have been going out for the last few weekends and it’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to be alone in a bar. I sometime find myself just finding a place and staying put for a few minutes to process everything around me. I am finding it easier to take the first step and just saying hello to people. It’s getting over that first step to find out so much about people. When I am out with friends, it’s so much easier to get introduced then to walk up to someone and introduce myself. It’s slow but happening more and more. I have to admit that I always run into at least someone I know.



While it’s nice to have that, I also have had to deal with the past when I am out. I had someone come up to me this weekend and told me that they recognized me and that we had talked in the past. He then said yeah you had a boyfriend and some friends said that you were cheating. I just looked at him and said I was single and that’s not the real person I am, and if you want to get to know me for more than that, I’m always up for a chat and grabbed my water and told him to keep that in mind and he just smiled and I walked away.



I know that I am going to run into that from time to time, but it’s taking a different approach and taking a higher road and something more respectable. I know that there are many people who will always see me in a negative light and that is unfortunate for them. I have a lot to offer and continue to try to better myself everyday. I have my faults but I also know that its time for me to show people who I am and what I really capable of everyday.



So on a lighter note, well somewhat lighter. The trip begins in only 10 more days. For the next week and half, I am going to be hitting the gym everyday to try to get buff and also to help clear my mind. I find that I am able to just zone out the world around me when I am running. I am going to really focus on the weight lifting and the chest, arms, and back these next two weeks. It’s so foreign to me but I have been doing my homework and getting some great workout tips from men’s health and through some friends.

There is beauty in the crash of a waves.
Each one is different and never the same.
Always coming back for more the ocean never stops.

Going to the gym when there is no one pushing you or having anyone to go with is very hard. There is so much strength in numbers and learning that through this. It’s always to blend into the crowd but its more rewarding leading the crowd and doing it for yourself. I use to be so scared to be getting the small weights at the gym to start my sets’ but I figure that it’s a process. You can’t just jump into the large weights unless you want to get hurt. I guess it’s very symbolic of relationships for me. While I know that I can go and lift the 100lbs, there is no reason to do that and get hurt and have to go back to lower weight. I keep my eye on the goal of being able to bench it but know there is no reason to fear it until I am ready to get to the 20lbs then 25lbs. It’s a process… and taking it everyday and each rep as a challenge to push myself and know that someday I can look back and see where I have been.



I am slightly nervous about everything when I get home. It seems like every time when I am in Indiana, it starts to feel like less and less of home. Things become distant memories and each time I find myself thinking that I am growing away from the place. It has a place in my heart but no longer my home. It’s just a place of memories. I know that this will be very short time spent actually in Indiana. I am looking at just two days before heading out on this trip that will sure to have so many memories and eventful times.



I am hoping to video blog about it and have some pretty amazing pictures to share with everyone on the trip. This is a new beginning and something that will test myself and an opportunity to be comfortable with me. Just me, my iPhone, iPod, and SAM. SAM is the name of the car in honor of my dad. Steven Anthony Mangona. This is a road trip to find peace in it all and the closure I need to move forward.



This may be the most documented trip of my life. I have my video camera, two digital cameras, my iPhone, and my Computer. I plan on using it all when I am traveling. One thing that I also am doing when I am home is posing for a friend. I have not had my picture taken professionally since I was senior in high school. I was hoping to me in much better shape then what I am in at the moment but still am down a lot of weight since before the breakup. I hope this week to just get a little more of the way to where I want to me. I am excited and scared but know they are going to turn out amazing; it will be good to be comfortable again with me. This trip is about bettering Benjamin. That’s the goal. Getting back to Sacramento and know who I am, and feel good about the person I am. I am already on the path just an always ongoing forward moving trail.



So there is a lot on my mind. I got so many fears but know that it will be calmed when I am on the plane heading home and finding that inner-peace on the interstate.



Next Adventure after the road trip… Skydiving. More to come later. One adventure at a time….