The End...

So this is where it stops…

Tonight is a new beginning of healing. It’s when I realize that I have to let go. Where I have to move forward. That there is not more re-living the moments of what was and when you begin to try to heal.

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”  ~Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending; I wanted at least something more than silence. But it truly isn’t about what we want. Who would have thought that life would hand me this moment and this opportunity. I need to move forward. In some ways, I was holding on for some slight chance of hope. Waiting for the opportunity to receive forgiveness. I can’t wait anymore.

Today, I decided before speaking with him. I am going to stay in Sacramento. Did this change how I feel? No… I am not going to run. It’s too easy to say I don’t want to be reminded of him and to run away from it and start all over. I am done with the running and done with the hiding. I am going to face this and finish and stay where I am.

The location doesn’t determine the outcome. I can’t go to a place and find happiness. Its what you find inside yourself. It’s what happens when you are comfortable with who you are. Am I at this point? Not really. Do I feel lost right now? Yes. I am hurting now and it’s pushing me to my limits. All the hard work I have done so far is not going to be wasted.

It would be so easy to break down and to walk away defeated. I am not going to walk away. I have opportunities here. I have a job that I enjoy greatly and have people who depend on me for guidance and for leadership. I leave the baggage at the door. It’s my stage. I perform everyday and get to make others happy. I need to stay put for once. Prove that while it hurts and that making a break would be easier its shows more character to stay.

I will cross paths with him again because it is inevitable. It will happen when I least expect it and when my guard is down. I know it will hurt and that the pain is that reminder that I should be push myself to do better. A reminder that I am accountable for the actions, wither they be just cyber conversation, or face-to-face actions. It all matters.

So tonight… Its over, it’s done. I fought as best as I could. Am I a loser? Not at all. I have gained more than I ever realized before. I have needed a change in my life; it just took a ditch that stopped me in my tracks to set that change in motion.

So this is another ditch in the road, but you keep moving on… I will continue to blog about the feelings. The emotions. The ups and the downs… Life is a journey and welcome to mine… I welcome the passengers and people to watch. I no longer have anything to hide. This is Benjamin Alan Mangona; 24-year-old white male, brown hair (that’s remaining), brown eyes, 5’6 and proud 146lbs; Exposed for you to see…life is just beginning.

So no tears will be wept, no need to cry over the loss of something that was gone so long ago. I am going to sleep tonight and wake up and start a new life. I have a counseling session in the morning followed by working middle of the day. A trip to the gym will follow and who knows what lies ahead.

We move forward with no idea of what is going to happen next. Life is unexpected. I look at it now as a blank slate. I have so many tools at my fingertips. I have goals and ambitions. I have sacrificed so much of myself for others, that now… I am in control.

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.  The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.”  ~Voltaire