Are you worthy?

Are you worthy?

That was the sign that was on the church when I walked pass today on my way home from work. Work was pretty tough today and constantly busy and lots of issues but it was at the same time fun. If gave up every time that I had an issue or a tough time, I wouldn’t still be doing what I do. Everyday is new and exciting challenge. I do it because I know that yes, I am worthy. I am good at what I do and it was nice today to have people who wanted to hug me and take my picture with them. They thanked me and told me that they would miss seeing me everyday and that they were blown away by our hospitality at the hotel.

Leaving my mark on top of the world.... 

Worth. (Noun) The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable. I am worth more than what most people give me credit. I have put others before myself for way to long. I let people tell me that I wasn’t worth anything. I let them treat me like I was useless and degrade me and treat me as if I had no value. I was at that point before, I let people and wanted people to tell me I was worthless because I had the desire to make it come true. Not anymore. Not ever again…

I felt worthless after the breakup; I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that it was me. I wanted to fight and wanted to try to make it work because I valued what was there in front of me. I wanted to make a change. I did, and I have changed. I am proud of the new person that I have become. I am glad it happened in some ways. I know that someday that when there is someone who wants to love me and truly understands my worth that will be when it will be forever.

Do I still love him? Yes of course I do. Would I be willing to sit down and talk? Anytime. I am facing the problem head on and working to be something better. I am not hiding and making excuses for the actions. I did something that I am not proud of and I realized that it was wrong. I am sorry everyday for causing the pain and the hurt that I did. I know many people think that I deserve it everyday. Many have even made it a point to express that to me. The pain hurts for the moment but at least I am dealing with pain. I am taking it full on. No need to sugar coat it or hide it with a smile. I am not going to look back and say I wish I had done something different. There is no use to looking back anymore. I am here, and this is who I am. I am no longer worthless.

Looking up and realizing there is so far to go.
 Life is full of twists and turns but what lies at the top is worth the journey.  

Worth: (n) Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit. My actions in the past were not ones that showed worth. I was disrespectful to myself and disrespectful to my partner for the actions and the conversations that I had. I understand that I have lost my merit. Words mean nothing when there is not worth or respect. I cannot change that part but I can change the person I am. I have showed my worth and continue to do so. I will not hold a grudge or take an opportunity to make a witty or low blow. I am not that person. I hold him to a higher worth. I respect him and his decision. I love him and care for him deeply and it’s hard to not want to be there when you know he is hurting. I know there is nothing that I can do or say and that is something very hard for me, because I do care about others more than myself.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror when I get up and tell myself that it will be ok. I walk through an empty apartment and think how life could be if he was here with me. Living the life that we planned. The constant reminders of him are everywhere. I pass the street where we met and where I surprised him on opening night. I walk the same path that we walked the first time I came wearing his college sweater. Those were happier moments…moments of pure bliss. Though now they carry a hint of doubt for him. How can I have had the secret life and still be I love with someone. I can speak from my heart and say all of those moments were real, the happiness, the joy. It was real and we had more happy times then anything else. We never really ever got into a fight. It was love. It’s gone now though and the memories are tainted for him. For me and in my heart I know they are still something that makes me smile. I know I never questioned my love for him. Every moment was real emotions of joy and happiness.

Danger lies ahead. Use the lessons and be prepared for life.

So now the story continues. I stand in that mirror and say that I am a good person. I made a few mistakes. It’s a scar that you carry on your heart. I have plenty of them all over my body anyway so what’s a few more to the heart. I never will forget the memories. I don’t plan on deleting the photos or making it all go away. There is not closure from it all when you hide it or burn it or push it away. It will always come back to you. I am a better person because of everything that happened. I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a house with kids and garden and flowers and a husband who loves me unconditionally. Someday that will be a reality… because I am worthy. I am worthy of happiness and love… It’s time to realize my worth.