So as of lately, I have been listening to Next to Normal Soundtrack when I am walking to and from work and when I need a little break from life. It’s a wonderful story and if you are not familiar with it, I would strongly recommend looking it up on youtube or google it.
I had a couple of people ask me about the photo that I choose for profiles. I can remember that day clear as day. It was when my partner was visiting me for about 3 weeks for Christmas and New Years Eve. We would joke about how it was a trail run on life. He would stay with me and I was still working but it would be a glance at what life would be like if we lived together. I had talked to a good friend and ended up getting us a free ticket to go on the whale watching tour. He said he had never been on a boat before so I was happy to get him the chance to really take another look at the island.
We had already talked about making the move and I was getting mentally ready to leave my life behind in Hawaii. I was looking out over Aloha tower and trying to let it all sink in. I stared at the buildings and thought that soon this would just be a memory. Something that I saw everyday for two years was going to be gone. I remember starting to get scared. I was looking around trying to make mental notes of everything that I saw to make sure I wouldn’t forget and to really think about what I was about to do. I was going to move 2500 miles to be with someone that I fell in love with over night. It sounded even crazy to me. Then there was a flash. He had taken that picture of me in deep thought.
He just smiled at me and I knew that I was making the right decision. I looked at him and just smiled back and he gave me a strange look and asked me what. I told him that I loved him. It was that moment where I let my heart decide and let myself take a chance. I had been hurt in the past and that is how I ended up in Hawaii but I thought that this was going to be different. I loved the city when I visited. He had amazing people that showered him with love and support. I knew that I could be happy there.
So many times, there was that fear. I remember telling him about getting tested and how I was scared and that there was a chance that I might have caught something or contracted a disease. He calmly told me that he loved me and that you can’t just turn off love and if that is the case we will work through it. We agreed to make this work and that is what we would do. Everything came back negative and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Then late at night on my birthday when we were hit by who we think was a drunk driver. The first thought that ran through my head was, is he ok. I remember holding his hand and looking and seeing pure fear in his eyes. It was scary and it made me want to just get home and hold him tight so that I wouldn’t have to think about losing him. 10 days following I remember getting rear-ended and first thing that came to mind was him. It wasn’t even a hesitation just his face and thoughts of him.
One time that I will never forget and replay in my head over and over is the funeral of my father. I was standing there with my brothers who had all of their kids and spouses with them, and I was standing alone. I ended up walking in with my sister in law and during the entire funeral there was only one person I wanted next to me. It was so hard to not have him next to me or holding my hand. I still replay that now, thinking he’s not here. It makes me hurt still. It was after that moment I remember telling myself and talking about how I didn’t want to feel that pain or that fear of losing you again and not having you by my side. I wanted to spend my life together and I wanted to get married. I want to make our lives together and I want life to be us…
That was only a few weeks before he discovered that I had been using other guys to get attention and gratification though the Internet and text messages. I know, I am the one that made that choice to continue that compulsion but it’s not apart of me anymore. It hurt him to know that I talked about it openly, but through it, so many people are helping themselves. I am not a hero, and in some ways I do enough the attention but I enjoy more helping others. Hearing that others are hurting and that they now are seeing things differently is almost like I can give them the chance to stop it before they lose it all.
I got a message from someone close who talked about their own problems and how they find the strength each day and read the blogs and they use it to move them forward. I know it hurts to see it, but it helps so many others. I caused a lot of hurt and embarrassment by exposing that it was more then just an isolated occurrences. I was able to stop. I am able to walk away from it and become something better. To down play it and to make it something less that what it was would not helped me heal. Head on and all or nothing. That’s how I took it and how I feel I am defeating it each day.
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| Koko Head Marina at Sunset... |
So it’s been almost a month now. Do I miss that lifestyle of gratification? Not at all… I am a new person with more time to spend at the gym or outside or reconnecting with friends. I have more energy, and realize that I am a person with worth and integrity. I don’t need people to degrade or make me feel worthless. I am a good person and loved and appreciated. I look at relationships closer now and also how I let others see me. I am honest, open, and humble. Yes, I made a mistake and have to deal with the consequences… I have lost too many people in my life because of the lies and the facades. Time to be Ben again… The hopeless romantic looking for happily ever after…
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