The End...

So this is where it stops…

Tonight is a new beginning of healing. It’s when I realize that I have to let go. Where I have to move forward. That there is not more re-living the moments of what was and when you begin to try to heal.

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”  ~Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending; I wanted at least something more than silence. But it truly isn’t about what we want. Who would have thought that life would hand me this moment and this opportunity. I need to move forward. In some ways, I was holding on for some slight chance of hope. Waiting for the opportunity to receive forgiveness. I can’t wait anymore.

Today, I decided before speaking with him. I am going to stay in Sacramento. Did this change how I feel? No… I am not going to run. It’s too easy to say I don’t want to be reminded of him and to run away from it and start all over. I am done with the running and done with the hiding. I am going to face this and finish and stay where I am.

The location doesn’t determine the outcome. I can’t go to a place and find happiness. Its what you find inside yourself. It’s what happens when you are comfortable with who you are. Am I at this point? Not really. Do I feel lost right now? Yes. I am hurting now and it’s pushing me to my limits. All the hard work I have done so far is not going to be wasted.

It would be so easy to break down and to walk away defeated. I am not going to walk away. I have opportunities here. I have a job that I enjoy greatly and have people who depend on me for guidance and for leadership. I leave the baggage at the door. It’s my stage. I perform everyday and get to make others happy. I need to stay put for once. Prove that while it hurts and that making a break would be easier its shows more character to stay.

I will cross paths with him again because it is inevitable. It will happen when I least expect it and when my guard is down. I know it will hurt and that the pain is that reminder that I should be push myself to do better. A reminder that I am accountable for the actions, wither they be just cyber conversation, or face-to-face actions. It all matters.

So tonight… Its over, it’s done. I fought as best as I could. Am I a loser? Not at all. I have gained more than I ever realized before. I have needed a change in my life; it just took a ditch that stopped me in my tracks to set that change in motion.

So this is another ditch in the road, but you keep moving on… I will continue to blog about the feelings. The emotions. The ups and the downs… Life is a journey and welcome to mine… I welcome the passengers and people to watch. I no longer have anything to hide. This is Benjamin Alan Mangona; 24-year-old white male, brown hair (that’s remaining), brown eyes, 5’6 and proud 146lbs; Exposed for you to see…life is just beginning.

So no tears will be wept, no need to cry over the loss of something that was gone so long ago. I am going to sleep tonight and wake up and start a new life. I have a counseling session in the morning followed by working middle of the day. A trip to the gym will follow and who knows what lies ahead.

We move forward with no idea of what is going to happen next. Life is unexpected. I look at it now as a blank slate. I have so many tools at my fingertips. I have goals and ambitions. I have sacrificed so much of myself for others, that now… I am in control.

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.  The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.”  ~Voltaire 

Are you worthy?

Are you worthy?

That was the sign that was on the church when I walked pass today on my way home from work. Work was pretty tough today and constantly busy and lots of issues but it was at the same time fun. If gave up every time that I had an issue or a tough time, I wouldn’t still be doing what I do. Everyday is new and exciting challenge. I do it because I know that yes, I am worthy. I am good at what I do and it was nice today to have people who wanted to hug me and take my picture with them. They thanked me and told me that they would miss seeing me everyday and that they were blown away by our hospitality at the hotel.

Leaving my mark on top of the world.... 

Worth. (Noun) The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable. I am worth more than what most people give me credit. I have put others before myself for way to long. I let people tell me that I wasn’t worth anything. I let them treat me like I was useless and degrade me and treat me as if I had no value. I was at that point before, I let people and wanted people to tell me I was worthless because I had the desire to make it come true. Not anymore. Not ever again…

I felt worthless after the breakup; I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that it was me. I wanted to fight and wanted to try to make it work because I valued what was there in front of me. I wanted to make a change. I did, and I have changed. I am proud of the new person that I have become. I am glad it happened in some ways. I know that someday that when there is someone who wants to love me and truly understands my worth that will be when it will be forever.

Do I still love him? Yes of course I do. Would I be willing to sit down and talk? Anytime. I am facing the problem head on and working to be something better. I am not hiding and making excuses for the actions. I did something that I am not proud of and I realized that it was wrong. I am sorry everyday for causing the pain and the hurt that I did. I know many people think that I deserve it everyday. Many have even made it a point to express that to me. The pain hurts for the moment but at least I am dealing with pain. I am taking it full on. No need to sugar coat it or hide it with a smile. I am not going to look back and say I wish I had done something different. There is no use to looking back anymore. I am here, and this is who I am. I am no longer worthless.

Looking up and realizing there is so far to go.
 Life is full of twists and turns but what lies at the top is worth the journey.  

Worth: (n) Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit. My actions in the past were not ones that showed worth. I was disrespectful to myself and disrespectful to my partner for the actions and the conversations that I had. I understand that I have lost my merit. Words mean nothing when there is not worth or respect. I cannot change that part but I can change the person I am. I have showed my worth and continue to do so. I will not hold a grudge or take an opportunity to make a witty or low blow. I am not that person. I hold him to a higher worth. I respect him and his decision. I love him and care for him deeply and it’s hard to not want to be there when you know he is hurting. I know there is nothing that I can do or say and that is something very hard for me, because I do care about others more than myself.

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror when I get up and tell myself that it will be ok. I walk through an empty apartment and think how life could be if he was here with me. Living the life that we planned. The constant reminders of him are everywhere. I pass the street where we met and where I surprised him on opening night. I walk the same path that we walked the first time I came wearing his college sweater. Those were happier moments…moments of pure bliss. Though now they carry a hint of doubt for him. How can I have had the secret life and still be I love with someone. I can speak from my heart and say all of those moments were real, the happiness, the joy. It was real and we had more happy times then anything else. We never really ever got into a fight. It was love. It’s gone now though and the memories are tainted for him. For me and in my heart I know they are still something that makes me smile. I know I never questioned my love for him. Every moment was real emotions of joy and happiness.

Danger lies ahead. Use the lessons and be prepared for life.

So now the story continues. I stand in that mirror and say that I am a good person. I made a few mistakes. It’s a scar that you carry on your heart. I have plenty of them all over my body anyway so what’s a few more to the heart. I never will forget the memories. I don’t plan on deleting the photos or making it all go away. There is not closure from it all when you hide it or burn it or push it away. It will always come back to you. I am a better person because of everything that happened. I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a house with kids and garden and flowers and a husband who loves me unconditionally. Someday that will be a reality… because I am worthy. I am worthy of happiness and love… It’s time to realize my worth.