Starting a New Page...

I am moving away from the Facebook notes. I figure that there are a lot of my friends that do not check Facebook or like to navigate the pages and the endless requests for Farmville or Mafia Wars to find the content hidden behind all of the clutter.

So I guess since it is new blog we can do a little short recap on the events as well as bring us up to present day.  I have been trying to deal with a lot of things. I lost my father on Memorial Weekend and then most recently separated from my partner.  I know that I was making selfish and inappropriate actions with other guys in an effort to get gratification and attention. I had it all before it came to light and I knew that it was just a matter of time before I would be caught but it only fueled the excitement and reality hit when it happened.  I take my share of the responsibility and know that under different circumstance that it would have been different. But that is not here or there and do not matter.

I have been trying to stay positive and strong and have a lot of great people who are supporting me and giving me words of encouragement as well as help me deal with the anxiety that I face everyday. I have been working with a counselor as well and really getting into the feels and answering the why questions and how did I get to this point. I never thought I would be able to openly admit that i was seeking help but when you hit the bottom, you are a much humbler person.

I have spent hours and hours trying to place the blame between myself and to my partner and the people around him. In reality it doesn't matter. It doesn't help and it doesn't make up for the pain that we are all experiencing.  The only thing that matters right now is focusing on what I can control and what I can do to become something better. Will it make it all better and be the magical cure, of course not. Its not that easy. I have always been told that time is on my side but also know that time can be your enemy. Right now the moments seem longer and time seems to stand still.

Everyone asks how I am doing and the answer is that I am ok. Am I happy... I don't think that would be the best way to describe it but I am just OK. There is so much going through my head that sometimes it feels better to sit down and type it down. I have people that I can call, but for the most part, most of my connections are online. Its an evil and a blessing. I know that I can use it for good, but I also realized how it can destroy lives.

So moving forward. I am currently living alone in an apartment downtown Sacramento. I work at a near-by hotel where i function as a manager on duty and supervisor. I walk to work everyday and when i need to go beyond my limits of walking, I call on the people that are around me. It's not a glamourous life or something that I would have ever dreamed would happen. But that is life. I am not sure where the road may take me but I invite you on that journey. Through the pain and fears, but through the good times as well.

I know in the past that many people have been offended by what I type. I am trying to rebuild the trust and show honesty. I want people in on the real person I am. No more facades or layers like and onion. Just me. Bare and exposed and willing to grow. I hope that this works as a means of coping. Its now more open to the world to see. I want to show the world I am a person that is honest, open, real, and trustworthy. So I will do my best to keep it honest and to make it as real as possible. Welcome aboard and enjoy the ride.